Another Child? Adopt? Or One and Done??

This is sort of a Robinson related post in that the question of whether he will have a sibling has become a serious discussion. We basically have three options:

1. Have no more children and let Robinson be an only child

2. Adopt

3. Try to have another child- biologically

This is a very hard and serious discussion for Rian and I. The only reason I feel the need to blog about said subject is that I know other preemie and PreE/HELLP mothers who read my blog and you find strength, solace and justification sometimes in reading the thoughts of others.

I don't necessarily mind the thought of Robinson being an only child except that I had always hoped for a large family. Rian and I had always said definitely 2, maybe 3 children. We both come from families of 3 and have greatly enjoyed having siblings and large Holiday family gatherings. I feel like I would be depriving Robinson of the joy of having a brother and/or a sister. My brothers have brought so much fun and laughter in my life and I can not imagine a day without them...I would love for Robinson to feel that bond as well.

Adoption is a definite option. International adoption has become somewhat more difficult in recent years. Guatemala is not accepting any applications and Russia and China are accepting very few. Domestic adoption is an excellent option. There is always the cost involved, but there are thousands of children in this world that need good, loving homes and we feel like we have a lot of love to give. It makes no difference to me whether the child comes from my belly or someone else because they will most definitely be in my heart from the very first day.

If having a biological child were easily predictable, this would probably be our go to option. However, I just had my yearly physical with my OBGYN. My blood pressure was great 120/70 (and we all know how anxious I get at the doctor). I still am about 30 pounds overweight, which is difficult for me. They did A TON of bloodwork (4 vials!) and everything seems in order except my hormones are still kind of out of whack. My liver enzymes are finally back in the norm, etc. My doctor said that the hormones are probably delaying the weight loss and just to keep at it and it would come off. The good news is that I had lost ~15 pounds from my appt in Feb. so at least it IS coming off- although it's slower than molasses. My point of all of this is, it has taken me a loooong time to bounce back from PreE and HELLP. Much longer than it should have been. I probably pushed myself too hard at first. I was back at work 1.5 weeks after being discharged from the hospital and then would spend a couple of hours every night at the NICU and longer on the weekends plus wake up in the middle of the night to call the NICU and check on Robinson. It has obviously taken a physical and emotional toll on me. I honestly do not know if I can go through it again. If I were to get pregnant, I have about 75% chance of the PreE recurring. With my first time happening at 26 weeks, it's a toss up about how much further I could go. Most of the time, the onset is later, but seriously, later than 26 weeks could be 30 weeks- STILL very premature with lots of NICU time, etc. Not to mention, that I would be older. My blood pressure took almost a year to go down and I'm still on very low dose beta blocker. I don't want to end up with chronic hypertension or worse- I could have a stroke if it got high enough. I have Robinson and Rian to think about now that I'm aware of what could happen. Also, I would most likely be put on some form of bed rest- especially if I make it to the 3rd trimester. How am I supposed to be on bed rest with a toddler that is as active as my little man- there is no way. Plus, if we have NICU time again, that's time at night and on the weekends when one of us would be away from Robinson. I'm babbling, I know...I just need to get some of these thoughts out of my head. I'm having nightmares again- Robinson's 1st birthday was hard on me. It brought back a lot of memories and issues that I hadn't really dealt with before and I really don't know if I could handle them again. I'm a ball of anxiety just thinking about the situation.

So, as you could probably guess, we are leaning towards domestic adoption right now. We will revisit the subject next Spring- hopefully once I have lost this weight (being overweight increases the chances of recurrence) and get back to healthy again. I want to be off all medications and still not having any issues before I begin the thought process again. Although there is a part of me that truly believes this is God's will. I don't know that we would have thought about adoption had my pregnancy gone so well. Maybe this is God's way of pointing us in the direction of a child that needs us and that we need as well. I have dreams lately of a me running to try to protect a child that I can never find- maybe God is just showing me the right path.

And so to bring a little smile to your face...the latest picture of our little man- he is a handsome little guy!!