Just a fun afternoon photo shoot with Mommy...gotta love how freaking cute he is!
And...here's a picture of Rian and I at a wedding we went to this past weekend. Rian was in the wedding and it was absolutely beautiful!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
My Conversation with God
I've debated about posting this because:
1. Spirituality is special and private to me
2. I don't want to feel like I'm 'throwing' religion in my blog readers faces.
I believe religion and spirituality are very individual and private. Rian and I are both very spiritual, but you may not see us in church every Sunday. That's mainly because we still don't want to put Robinson in the church nursery due to germs/illness and he is reaching the terrible two's so big outings are like a minefield to say the least. However, God is a huge part of my life and has made a big impact on decisions I've made and am going to make so I felt the need to post. If you aren't comfortable, you simply do not have to read.
It's probably no secret that I've been in a dark place at times lately. I think you can probably see that in my blog writings. I believe that a lot of the emotions of the past 2 years have come crashing down on me lately with all of the issues with my health and doctor's decision about another pregnancy. I didn't like the way I was feeling...it wasn't me, so I decided it was time to have a talk with God.
I pray every night. I physically can not go to sleep unless I do. However, my conversations with God are much longer in length, less formal. It's basically one big vent of the way that I'm feeling and asking for guidance.
After re-reading my last blog post, I knew it was time for a talk with Him. I admitted that I'm frustrated, angry and a little bitter with not being able to get pregnant again. I felt that I had handled everything that we had been dealt in the past couple of years with a good amount of strength and acceptance. I asked Him what had I done so wrong that He would take another pregnancy for me. I just didn't understand. I was meant to be a mother. I knew that in my heart, so I felt lost. It was making me resentful and angry and these feelings are not normal for me and I didn't want to continue feeling these thoughts.
I also apologized to God. I apologized for being so angry and being so resentful. I should have more Faith in His plan for us. And I knew that, but I admitted my human shortcomings and admitted that I was having a hard time accepting this. I asked for guidance. I asked for peace and acceptance with this decision. I asked for Him to help me feel again that everything was going to be okay. I needed my Faith renewed and asked for forgiveness and help in finding strength and inner peace.
I did not dream that night. Anyone who knows me KNOWS what a profound statement this is. I dream very vivid, detailed dreams every.single.night. Rian has laughed many a morning at me when I'm recounting my dream. I always dream. I do not remember a single dream from that night.
I woke up feeling so renewed and so confident. I can not explain it. It was like I had been in a fog and suddenly I could see my path before me.
Robinson is a precious miracle. Not many people get to experience a miracle in their lifetime and I saw it right before my eyes. He is such a special little boy and I am his mother. It never was more clear to me how special that job was and how much I enjoyed being his mother. It has been said to me several times now from doctors that 'on paper' I shouldn't have survived my pregnancy. But I did. And I get to see this wonderful little boy grow up and change the world. I truly believe that Robinson will somehow change the world. I believe pre-eclampsia was part of that plan. It has made me stronger and will make me make a difference in my life and appreciate every day.
I can not imagine one day with Robinson. And that is the most important reason I am now at peace about not getting pregnant. Yes, there might be a 20% chance or so that I could have a perfect full term pregnancy. However, there is about an 80% chance that I will develop severe pre-eclampsia again and the effects thereafter. There is no predicting how severe it will be, but there is a good chance that I might not survive. How could I possibly risk leaving Rian and Robinson?? I never want Robinson to have to ask the question, "why wasn't I enough? why did she risk her life for more children? wasn't she happy with me?" Because I am so happy with him. He and Rian are my heart and I can not imagine not being here with them. So, I will not get a consult with another MFM (high risk doctor). It doesn't matter what the % are...it's not worth the risk to me anymore.
My husband said one night when I was crying after hearing yet again that I was advised to not get pregnant that it simply meant there was a child out there waiting for us. God knew we were perfect for this child and knew that we probably wouldn't consider adoption unless we were in a certain situation. We were now in that situation. I don't think I heard it well that night. But when I woke up after my conversation, it was all I could think about that day and the next. We have so much love to give in our family. We don't feel like our family is complete, but it's not biolgy that will make it complete. There is a child that God knows needs us and we need them. I know that it won't be an easy road, emotionally, but we will wait patiently until we know that our next child has found us. It will be a glorious day.
It is so hard to explain in words what I am now feeling. I am not in a dark place anymore. I am feeling optimistic, at peace, and happy with my situation. And it's been almost a week so I know it's for keeps!
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5
1. Spirituality is special and private to me
2. I don't want to feel like I'm 'throwing' religion in my blog readers faces.
I believe religion and spirituality are very individual and private. Rian and I are both very spiritual, but you may not see us in church every Sunday. That's mainly because we still don't want to put Robinson in the church nursery due to germs/illness and he is reaching the terrible two's so big outings are like a minefield to say the least. However, God is a huge part of my life and has made a big impact on decisions I've made and am going to make so I felt the need to post. If you aren't comfortable, you simply do not have to read.
It's probably no secret that I've been in a dark place at times lately. I think you can probably see that in my blog writings. I believe that a lot of the emotions of the past 2 years have come crashing down on me lately with all of the issues with my health and doctor's decision about another pregnancy. I didn't like the way I was feeling...it wasn't me, so I decided it was time to have a talk with God.
I pray every night. I physically can not go to sleep unless I do. However, my conversations with God are much longer in length, less formal. It's basically one big vent of the way that I'm feeling and asking for guidance.
After re-reading my last blog post, I knew it was time for a talk with Him. I admitted that I'm frustrated, angry and a little bitter with not being able to get pregnant again. I felt that I had handled everything that we had been dealt in the past couple of years with a good amount of strength and acceptance. I asked Him what had I done so wrong that He would take another pregnancy for me. I just didn't understand. I was meant to be a mother. I knew that in my heart, so I felt lost. It was making me resentful and angry and these feelings are not normal for me and I didn't want to continue feeling these thoughts.
I also apologized to God. I apologized for being so angry and being so resentful. I should have more Faith in His plan for us. And I knew that, but I admitted my human shortcomings and admitted that I was having a hard time accepting this. I asked for guidance. I asked for peace and acceptance with this decision. I asked for Him to help me feel again that everything was going to be okay. I needed my Faith renewed and asked for forgiveness and help in finding strength and inner peace.
I did not dream that night. Anyone who knows me KNOWS what a profound statement this is. I dream very vivid, detailed dreams every.single.night. Rian has laughed many a morning at me when I'm recounting my dream. I always dream. I do not remember a single dream from that night.
I woke up feeling so renewed and so confident. I can not explain it. It was like I had been in a fog and suddenly I could see my path before me.
Robinson is a precious miracle. Not many people get to experience a miracle in their lifetime and I saw it right before my eyes. He is such a special little boy and I am his mother. It never was more clear to me how special that job was and how much I enjoyed being his mother. It has been said to me several times now from doctors that 'on paper' I shouldn't have survived my pregnancy. But I did. And I get to see this wonderful little boy grow up and change the world. I truly believe that Robinson will somehow change the world. I believe pre-eclampsia was part of that plan. It has made me stronger and will make me make a difference in my life and appreciate every day.
I can not imagine one day with Robinson. And that is the most important reason I am now at peace about not getting pregnant. Yes, there might be a 20% chance or so that I could have a perfect full term pregnancy. However, there is about an 80% chance that I will develop severe pre-eclampsia again and the effects thereafter. There is no predicting how severe it will be, but there is a good chance that I might not survive. How could I possibly risk leaving Rian and Robinson?? I never want Robinson to have to ask the question, "why wasn't I enough? why did she risk her life for more children? wasn't she happy with me?" Because I am so happy with him. He and Rian are my heart and I can not imagine not being here with them. So, I will not get a consult with another MFM (high risk doctor). It doesn't matter what the % are...it's not worth the risk to me anymore.
My husband said one night when I was crying after hearing yet again that I was advised to not get pregnant that it simply meant there was a child out there waiting for us. God knew we were perfect for this child and knew that we probably wouldn't consider adoption unless we were in a certain situation. We were now in that situation. I don't think I heard it well that night. But when I woke up after my conversation, it was all I could think about that day and the next. We have so much love to give in our family. We don't feel like our family is complete, but it's not biolgy that will make it complete. There is a child that God knows needs us and we need them. I know that it won't be an easy road, emotionally, but we will wait patiently until we know that our next child has found us. It will be a glorious day.
It is so hard to explain in words what I am now feeling. I am not in a dark place anymore. I am feeling optimistic, at peace, and happy with my situation. And it's been almost a week so I know it's for keeps!
For the Negative Nancy's out there. I'm not saying that if you have a talk with God that all of your prayers will be answered and you'll never feel alone again. There are a million reasons for unanswered prayers, and only God knows what is truly right for you and what is in your heart. I am saying that when I know that I'm in the 'dark' place that is when I take a deep breath, reflect and have an open conversation with God. This post illustrates how I felt afterwards and how it makes a positive impact on my life. It was a good and long overdue talk.
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Random Ramblings
It's tax season. This means that Rian gets home around 7pm (yay) so that he can spend time with Robinson before bedtime. Afterwards, though, he is locked up in his office working until 11pm or later (boo). This means that the main computer is occupied. I'm blogging a la laptop which is fine for words, but let's face it, I know the real reason you visit my blog...pictures of the handsome boy! So...posts will be few and far between until after April 15th - Tonight, you get random ramblings....and go!
**kids clothes annoy me. Robinson is tall and SKINNY, so he needs a size 3T for length, but it looks like the clothes are swallowing him, because he doesn't have the chunkiness of a 3T. Seriously?! When you're a child, designers expect/want you to be chunky, but by gosh when you become an adult you better be the skinniest size X you can be or you can forget about breathing.
**I am so tired of cold weather. Thank goodness it is starting to warm up around here. If I ever thought I could move further north, this Winter has taught me otherwise. I am not a cold weather girl. Bring on the sundresses and mojitos!
**Robinson is entering the terrible 2's and is throwing so many tantrums a day that I've lost count. To be honest, I find them funny...yes, I get frustrated, but the faces this kid makes and I swear he is cursing me out in 'Robinson language'...it's hilarious.
**Health Care reform is pi$$ing me off....this bill is not going to solve anything and will actually increase premiums for people like you and me and will cut some physicians off at the knees. I worked with/for doctors. Anyone who complains about how much they make needs to be on call 24/7 and work the hours they do. If you calculated their hourly rate by the number of hours they actually work, it would be WAY lower than minimum wage. So, to me, they deserve that big paycheck and I think trying to cut their reimbursement even more is ridiculous. Try tort reform for malpractice suits and insurance/medicare fraud for your big government change- THIS is where we need a reform!! I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.
**I feel guilty that I'm still paying on loans from 2 graduate degrees that I don't even use. I'm loving staying at home and we are lucky that we were able to swing it (BARELY and it SUCKS big time as far as our budget is concerned) but it was the best thing for Robinson, and he is worth every corner cut and cursing of the check book. However, my old career is not something that I'll probably ever be able to get a job in again after taking this long break, so I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)
**Eventhough I'm working out like a mad woman, it's been 3 weeks and I have yet to lose a pound. Apparently my body doesn't understand the definition of motivation and the fact that I need a little positive reinforcement from time to time. So tonight, as I type, I am eating some chocolate ice cream- no comments, please.
**My blood pressure tanked again and my heart rate is staying at a higher than desired level so I get to try to cut my medicine in 1/2 to see if that helps. This is good news and possibly means that we've found the reason for my high blood pressure. This medicine helps relax/open the renal arteries so my issues are in my kidneys- which also correlates with pre-eclampsia. And I'm on a lower than nothing dosage now, so that is very good news. For once in a long time, my blood pressure is really low without making me feel lethargic and having to take a beta blocker or anxiety medicine. Bad news is that this particular magic pill that is the cure all for my high blood pressure is highly dangerous for pregnancy and can cause serious birth defects- just another kick in the gut that my body can't handle/attacks me being pregnant...'thank you sir, may I have another' comes to mind.
**I read about the # of stages of grief and how they apply to situations as well.. I definitely think that I'm grieving the lost chance of another pregancy- I was in the denial stage, and now I'm in the anger stage- hence the kind of the negative post tonight, which I apologize for. When I talked to Rian about it, he said "at least your progressing"- Did I mention how much I love my husband and how he is so perfect for me? :)
**kids clothes annoy me. Robinson is tall and SKINNY, so he needs a size 3T for length, but it looks like the clothes are swallowing him, because he doesn't have the chunkiness of a 3T. Seriously?! When you're a child, designers expect/want you to be chunky, but by gosh when you become an adult you better be the skinniest size X you can be or you can forget about breathing.
**I am so tired of cold weather. Thank goodness it is starting to warm up around here. If I ever thought I could move further north, this Winter has taught me otherwise. I am not a cold weather girl. Bring on the sundresses and mojitos!
**Robinson is entering the terrible 2's and is throwing so many tantrums a day that I've lost count. To be honest, I find them funny...yes, I get frustrated, but the faces this kid makes and I swear he is cursing me out in 'Robinson language'...it's hilarious.
**Health Care reform is pi$$ing me off....this bill is not going to solve anything and will actually increase premiums for people like you and me and will cut some physicians off at the knees. I worked with/for doctors. Anyone who complains about how much they make needs to be on call 24/7 and work the hours they do. If you calculated their hourly rate by the number of hours they actually work, it would be WAY lower than minimum wage. So, to me, they deserve that big paycheck and I think trying to cut their reimbursement even more is ridiculous. Try tort reform for malpractice suits and insurance/medicare fraud for your big government change- THIS is where we need a reform!! I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.
**I feel guilty that I'm still paying on loans from 2 graduate degrees that I don't even use. I'm loving staying at home and we are lucky that we were able to swing it (BARELY and it SUCKS big time as far as our budget is concerned) but it was the best thing for Robinson, and he is worth every corner cut and cursing of the check book. However, my old career is not something that I'll probably ever be able to get a job in again after taking this long break, so I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)
**Eventhough I'm working out like a mad woman, it's been 3 weeks and I have yet to lose a pound. Apparently my body doesn't understand the definition of motivation and the fact that I need a little positive reinforcement from time to time. So tonight, as I type, I am eating some chocolate ice cream- no comments, please.
**My blood pressure tanked again and my heart rate is staying at a higher than desired level so I get to try to cut my medicine in 1/2 to see if that helps. This is good news and possibly means that we've found the reason for my high blood pressure. This medicine helps relax/open the renal arteries so my issues are in my kidneys- which also correlates with pre-eclampsia. And I'm on a lower than nothing dosage now, so that is very good news. For once in a long time, my blood pressure is really low without making me feel lethargic and having to take a beta blocker or anxiety medicine. Bad news is that this particular magic pill that is the cure all for my high blood pressure is highly dangerous for pregnancy and can cause serious birth defects- just another kick in the gut that my body can't handle/attacks me being pregnant...'thank you sir, may I have another' comes to mind.
**I read about the # of stages of grief and how they apply to situations as well.. I definitely think that I'm grieving the lost chance of another pregancy- I was in the denial stage, and now I'm in the anger stage- hence the kind of the negative post tonight, which I apologize for. When I talked to Rian about it, he said "at least your progressing"- Did I mention how much I love my husband and how he is so perfect for me? :)
**And just so you don't go through withdrawals....
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Say Cheese!
Mom, this is humiliating!!
Car rides just put me to sleep
But if I'm at home, I have to be sleeping right next to my Mommy
If you catch me awake in the car, I always have my hands folded like a good English gentleman :)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Finding My Happy Place
I would love to be able to show you new pictures of our little man, or spout off some great stories of this past week. But honestly, this past week has been boring....and I've LOVED it! In the past 2 years, we have honestly had very few days, weeks or months that could be described as boring. Rian is still in tax season, working his booty off. It's tough this tax season because I have to keep a toddler entertained for more than 12 hours every day, which is not easy. However, the increasing presence of the sun and warmer temperatures have helped immensely.
Having a boring week made me realize that we are about to jump headfirst into Wedding Season- and no, not in the "Wedding Crashers" way! Rian and I have been graciously invited to FIVE weddings this Spring and three rehearsal dinners. Rian and I are in two of the weddings and three of the weddings are in March. Yep, every weekend from now until the 2nd weekend of May will be consumed by weddings. Now, I am one of those girls that truly does love weddings. I loved planning mine; I love helping friends with ideas suggestions. It's a magical day to me. One in which the primary purpose is to celebrate a lifelong commitment that two people are making. In a world full of negativity and cynicism, it is truly a breath of fresh air to me to attend a wedding- especially when they are good friends. We are truly excited to say that some of our best friends will be taking the walk down the beautiful aisle in a few short weeks.
Thinking about these weddings made me realize that I actually have to dress up and put away the yoga pants and tshirts for some time. Wow...To say that being a stay at home mom has made me become 'lax' in my fashion is truly an understandment. Top it off with the still added baby weight poundage I have going and you can see why I had a mini panic attack when saying out loud "what the hell am I going to wear?" And then of course, I have to laugh at myself, because if that question is my most pressing issue, then life is good.
But now back to reality...so, I seriously have zilch to wear. The few dresses that I bought last summer are way too big now (a good thing) but I'm still not in my pre-pregnancy clothes (a bad thing). That means dress shopping means, hello 30 Day Shred! haha...I have found my motivation to work out. I am so motivated that I work out with Robinson wide awake standing right beside me. He thinks it's hilarious to see Mommy jumping up and down, sweating like it's 500 degrees and breathing like I've smoke 3 packs a day for 20 some odd years! He jumps on me as I do push ups and walks on my stomach during abs.
And you know what? I feel great! I have missed working out. I know that sounds cliche, but to those who have known me, they know what a huge part of my life exercise has always been. The past 2 years, though, it has taken a FAR back seat on the road called life. It's hard to get back into a routine when you are a mother, a wife and are you yourself not feeling the best or in great health. I have a new found respect for every mother who has uttered the phrase "I just don't have time"...because you don't, really. You have to make time, and when you make the time, something else does not get done. And that's hard. As a mother and a wife, you feel like a caretaker and you feel guilty that your child is not getting 100% of your attention for 30 minutes.
But I made the time for 4 days this week, and I am happier and feeling better than I have felt in a long time.
And that will make me a better mother and a better wife.
Now, if I could just lose 20 pounds in a week so that shopping will be a little bit easier! *wink*
p.s. if there are any misspelled words, I apologize...where the heck did 'spellcheck' go in the new formatting on blogspot??!
Having a boring week made me realize that we are about to jump headfirst into Wedding Season- and no, not in the "Wedding Crashers" way! Rian and I have been graciously invited to FIVE weddings this Spring and three rehearsal dinners. Rian and I are in two of the weddings and three of the weddings are in March. Yep, every weekend from now until the 2nd weekend of May will be consumed by weddings. Now, I am one of those girls that truly does love weddings. I loved planning mine; I love helping friends with ideas suggestions. It's a magical day to me. One in which the primary purpose is to celebrate a lifelong commitment that two people are making. In a world full of negativity and cynicism, it is truly a breath of fresh air to me to attend a wedding- especially when they are good friends. We are truly excited to say that some of our best friends will be taking the walk down the beautiful aisle in a few short weeks.
Thinking about these weddings made me realize that I actually have to dress up and put away the yoga pants and tshirts for some time. Wow...To say that being a stay at home mom has made me become 'lax' in my fashion is truly an understandment. Top it off with the still added baby weight poundage I have going and you can see why I had a mini panic attack when saying out loud "what the hell am I going to wear?" And then of course, I have to laugh at myself, because if that question is my most pressing issue, then life is good.
But now back to reality...so, I seriously have zilch to wear. The few dresses that I bought last summer are way too big now (a good thing) but I'm still not in my pre-pregnancy clothes (a bad thing). That means dress shopping means, hello 30 Day Shred! haha...I have found my motivation to work out. I am so motivated that I work out with Robinson wide awake standing right beside me. He thinks it's hilarious to see Mommy jumping up and down, sweating like it's 500 degrees and breathing like I've smoke 3 packs a day for 20 some odd years! He jumps on me as I do push ups and walks on my stomach during abs.
And you know what? I feel great! I have missed working out. I know that sounds cliche, but to those who have known me, they know what a huge part of my life exercise has always been. The past 2 years, though, it has taken a FAR back seat on the road called life. It's hard to get back into a routine when you are a mother, a wife and are you yourself not feeling the best or in great health. I have a new found respect for every mother who has uttered the phrase "I just don't have time"...because you don't, really. You have to make time, and when you make the time, something else does not get done. And that's hard. As a mother and a wife, you feel like a caretaker and you feel guilty that your child is not getting 100% of your attention for 30 minutes.
But I made the time for 4 days this week, and I am happier and feeling better than I have felt in a long time.
And that will make me a better mother and a better wife.
Now, if I could just lose 20 pounds in a week so that shopping will be a little bit easier! *wink*
p.s. if there are any misspelled words, I apologize...where the heck did 'spellcheck' go in the new formatting on blogspot??!
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