My Conversation with God

I've debated about posting this because:

1. Spirituality is special and private to me

2. I don't want to feel like I'm 'throwing' religion in my blog readers faces. 

I believe religion and spirituality are very individual and private.  Rian and I are both very spiritual, but you may not see us in church every Sunday.  That's mainly because we still don't want to put Robinson in the church nursery due to germs/illness and he is reaching the terrible two's so big outings are like a minefield to say the least.  However, God is a huge part of my life and has made a big impact on decisions I've made and am going to make so I felt the need to post.  If you aren't comfortable, you simply do not have to read.

It's probably no secret that I've been in a dark place at times lately.  I think you can probably see that in my blog writings.  I believe that a lot of the emotions of the past 2 years have come crashing down on me lately with all of the issues with my health and doctor's decision about another pregnancy.  I didn't like the way I was feeling...it wasn't me, so I decided it was time to have a talk with God.

I pray every night.  I physically can not go to sleep unless I do.  However, my conversations with God are much longer in length, less formal.  It's basically one big vent of the way that I'm feeling and asking for guidance. 

After re-reading my last blog post, I knew it was time for a talk with Him.  I admitted that I'm frustrated, angry and a little bitter with not being able to get pregnant again.  I felt that I had handled everything that we had been dealt in the past couple of years with a good amount of strength and acceptance.  I asked Him what had I done so wrong that He would take another pregnancy for me.  I just didn't understand.  I was meant to be a mother.  I knew that in my heart, so I felt lost.  It was making me resentful and angry and these feelings are not normal for me and I didn't want to continue feeling these thoughts. 

I also apologized to God.  I apologized for being so angry and being so resentful.  I should have more Faith in His plan for us.  And I knew that, but I admitted my human shortcomings and admitted that I was having a hard time accepting this.  I asked for guidance.  I asked for peace and acceptance with this decision.  I asked for Him to help me feel again that everything was going to be okay.  I needed my Faith renewed and asked for forgiveness and help in finding strength and inner peace.

I did not dream that night.  Anyone who knows me KNOWS what a profound statement this is.  I dream very vivid, detailed dreams every.single.night.  Rian has laughed many a morning at me when I'm recounting my dream.  I always dream.  I do not remember a single dream from that night. 

I woke up feeling so renewed and so confident.  I can not explain it.  It was like I had been in a fog and suddenly I could see my path before me. 


Robinson is a precious miracle.  Not many people get to experience a miracle in their lifetime and I saw it right before my eyes.  He is such a special little boy and I am his mother.  It never was more clear to me how special that job was and how much I enjoyed being his mother.  It has been said to me several times now from doctors that 'on paper' I shouldn't have survived my pregnancy.  But I did.  And I get to see this wonderful little boy grow up and change the world.  I truly believe that Robinson will somehow change the world.  I believe pre-eclampsia was part of that plan.  It has made me stronger and will make me make a difference in my life and appreciate every day. 

I can not imagine one day with Robinson.  And that is the most important reason I am now at peace about not getting pregnant.  Yes, there might be a 20% chance or so that I could have a perfect full term pregnancy.  However, there is about an 80% chance that I will develop severe pre-eclampsia again and the effects thereafter.  There is no predicting how severe it will be, but there is a good chance that I might not survive.  How could I possibly risk leaving Rian and Robinson??  I never want Robinson to have to ask the question, "why wasn't I enough?  why did she risk her life for more children?  wasn't she happy with me?"  Because I am so happy with him.  He and Rian are my heart and I can not imagine not being here with them.  So, I will not get a consult with another MFM (high risk doctor).  It doesn't matter what the % are...it's not worth the risk to me anymore.

My husband said one night when I was crying after hearing yet again that I was advised to not get pregnant that it simply meant there was a child out there waiting for us.  God knew we were perfect for this child and knew that we probably wouldn't consider adoption unless we were in a certain situation.  We were now in that situation.  I don't think I heard it well that night.  But when I woke up after my conversation, it was all I could think about that day and the next.  We have so much love to give in our family.  We don't feel like our family is complete, but it's not biolgy that will make it complete.  There is a child that God knows needs us and we need them.  I know that it won't be an easy road, emotionally, but we will wait patiently until we know that our next child has found us.  It will be a glorious day.

It is so hard to explain in words what I am now feeling.  I am not in a dark place anymore.  I am feeling optimistic, at peace, and happy with my situation.  And it's been almost a week so I know it's for keeps!

For the Negative Nancy's out there.  I'm not saying that if you have a talk with God that all of your prayers will be answered and you'll never feel alone again.  There are a million reasons for unanswered prayers, and only God knows what is truly right for you and what is in your heart.  I am saying that when I know that I'm in the 'dark' place that is when I take a deep breath, reflect and have an open conversation with God.  This post illustrates how I felt afterwards and how it makes a positive impact on my life.  It was a good and long overdue talk.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.  Psalm 40:5