Robinson Turns 2

Has it been 2 years already??

I just can't believe that these past 2 years have gone by so quickly. 

2 years ago Robinson was born weighing 1lb 7oz and 12 inches long.

Today Robinson weighs 28lb 12oz and is 36 inches long.

He's in the 50-60th percentile for weight and 90th percentile for height.  His pediatrician says based on his 2 yr stats that he will most likely be 6'1 or 6'2 as an adult....can you imagine?  From foot long to big foot ;-)

His party was a huge success and he had a blast.  Here are some pics from the fun event.  I've greatly enjoyed sharing this journey with all of you!!

 

Cupcakes for the Birthday Boy

He LOVED the splash fountains

He was not so thrilled about the hat at times...

To say that he enjoyed everyone singing Happy Birthday would be an understatement!

This kid LOOOVES being the center of attention

Mommy tried to get a picture, but the boy just wanted to play!

Obviously I'm biased, but this is one cute kid!

His Future is So Bright- he's gotta wear shades...with his Poppa, of course!

The End of a Blog...

So, I've decided.  This will be my next to last blog post.  After this weekend, I'll post pictures from the birthday party; print out each entry to make a book for Robinson; and then Turner Table will no longer exist.

Why??

Well, first and foremost, it takes up way too much of my time.  Between blogging and other social network cites, I feel like I spend way too much time on the computer.  I used to be an active person, and I've found that the laptop has become a crutch of inactivity.  I'm more sedentary that I have ever been and I don't like it.  Plus, computer time = time away from Robinson.  Yes, there are naps- but I feel I could be more productive with my time.   Get caught up on housework, instead of knowing every one's status updates on T.witter and F.acebook.  It's astonishing how quickly you can get sucked into an hour of just surfing the net.  That is an hour that I can not get back in the day and an hour that I could have been more active.  So, the laptop is being packed up and put away.  If there is something I really need, I'll use the office computer.  This will make me go to a different room and won't be as accessible- less tempting.

Second, I've grown a little bored with blogging.  It feels more like a chore, because we have so much going on right now.  If something feels like a chore to me, I don't give it 100%.   Why do something if I'm not going to really engage and enjoy the process, you know?!  Our lives are pretty drama free for the first time in a couple of years (big knock on wood).  I'm enjoying that quiet- but it yields little to vent or write about which was the point of this blog.   Plus, blogging has become extremely trendy.  When anything gets too trendy, I become uninterested in said thing.  I guess psychology would call me a "non-conformist".  haha

Finally, I'm really starting to focus on myself and my health again.  I'm starting back with yoga and meditation and really trying to move forward.  For so long, I was stuck in a rut and filled with anxiety over what happened to Robinson and myself.  I felt fear at every doctor's appointment, assuming that each visit would end badly.  I was scared that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  I talked to my primary care physician and he suggested I speak to a psychologist.  Which I did.  I'm not ashamed to say it or fear who knows about it because I believe those feelings are what keep people for reaching out and getting the help that they need.  My big fear was I didn't want to be put on medication.  I wanted to get to the root of the problem and work through it so that I could move forward.  It has been completely and utterly life changing for me.  I found that I do have a mild form of PTSD; I'm working through those issues; changing the path of my thoughts through yoga, meditation, biofeedback breathing...and just a couple of months later, I feel a huge change in my anxiety and my outlook on each day.  Robinson's 2nd birthday wasn't nearly as paralyzing for me as his 1st was.  Yes, I still had those bad memories creep up, but I have learned to focus on the positive and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've also learned to not bottle up my emotions and/or frustrations and communicate more freely with friends and family.  If you internalize your fears and anxiety, it's like an endless stream of negative energy and toxins within your body.  It's amazing how much better you feel if you just let it out...the constant weight is no longer on your shoulders and the tension in your body and muscles eases.

Which brings me to another reason for less social media.  I would constantly find myself obsessed with other preemie stories or of children that were sick.  I could not separate those stories from our lives and would constantly worry that every bad thing I heard about was going to happen to us.  Obviously, that is not healthy.  I need to remove myself from my masochistic tendencies so that I can see all of the positive and wonderful blessings that are in our lives.  If you constantly live in the past and in fear- you will never be able to move forward and put the past behind you.  I need to remove and distance myself and live more in the present instead of revisiting the past every day.

Robinson is doing wonderfully and yes, has a way to go still with therapy.  I think the start of therapy has also helped my recovery.  I was always afraid of the long term effects that Robinson's prematurity might have.  Sure, we might have learning disabilities to deal with along the way-  but he's amazing how far he has come from that miraculously tiny 1 pound 7 ounce foot long baby.  He's a fighter and a survivor and he is thriving.  I need to focus on that, instead of "what might be".  Because, honestly, given our past and what we have overcome, nothing is out of our reach and we can handle anything that life throws at us.  I also have Faith that God will never present us with a situation that we can not handle.  We have strength with Him on our side.

For those of you wondering whether I'm going to leave you with a cliffhanger of a 2nd pregnancy.  Well, we've gotten 2nd and 3rd opinions from high risk OB's, my new primary care physician and my new OB.  All have said that with the right interventions (medicine and lifestyle) that we should have every hope for successful 2nd pregnancy.  That is another reason that I've started my health boot camp so to speak.  I want to be the healthiest Jackie I can- mind and body so that we are starting a pregnancy right.  We also want to wait another year so that we can give Robinson more one on one time.  With his therapies and delays, we want to make sure that he is ready, prepared and excited about a little brother or sister.  He will hopefully be ready to start pre-school and we will have more time to focus on another high risk pregnancy and precious baby.  So- don't go looking for a big ol pregnant belly from for at least a year! haha

I would like to say farewell by saying thank you to all of the fellow preemie moms and to all the friends and family that have followed us through this journey.  I don't think I would have made it so unscathed without each and every one of you.  Your support has meant everything to us.  We will continue to be active participants in the March of Dimes and other charitable events for preemies and pre-eclampsia.  We feel so lucky and so blessed to have had the outcome that we have and we take not one day for granted.  That is why I feel now is the time to re-focus on our blessings and our family and look forward instead of backwards. Even though the future may not all be roses and rewards, it is through those struggles that we build character and independence and become truly the person that we were meant to be.  It is when we reach our full potential that we can make a difference in this world- if only by raising our children- the greatest legacy and reward of life.


“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Update

I apologize.  With adding therapy sessions, continuing The L.ittle Gy.m and starting Story Time at the local library, I have ZERO time.  I'm thinking that I might just retire the blog after Robinson's 2nd bday (which is next Tuesday!!) 

To update, though.  Therapy is going well.  The occupational therapist categorized Robinson's sensory delay as "moderate".  Not mild, but definitely not severe.  He tested anywhere from an 11 - 18 month old as far as sensory issues were concerned.  Fine motor skills he tested well beyond his actual age, so we were very pleased to hear that.

In summary-  gross and fine motor skills he's advanced for his age.  Cognitively, although, not a true test since his language is behind, but all of the therapists feel that he is at his actual age or beyond in this area because he seems to understand pretty much everything and can figure out how toys work without assistance.

Our main area of focus will be the sensory and speech delays.  Although, they feel that the more improvement he makes sensory wise, the more language explosions he will have.  He is already way more vocal than he used to be.  He uses jargon all day long now.  He also says "go" pretty consistently and "hey" or "hi".  Overall, we've been very pleased with his therapists and feel like he'll be caught up very quickly.

His birthday party is in a couple of weeks, so I'll make sure to post pics and then I really think I"ll retire the blog.  It was mainly for Robinson, and the older he gets, the more active we become.  This yields a lot less computer time.  So, we'll see...

Therapy, Therapy and More Therapy

As I discussed in the last post, we are having Robinson evaluated by PT, OT and ST to determine if he has any developmental delays.  We have completed the PT and ST evaluations and the OT will be next Thursday.  It has been so interesting and informative, and I've learned a lot.

Physical Therapy (PT) - This one went as Rian and I suspected; Robinson has absolutely no delays in gross or fine motor skills.  He's actually ahead of his age in the majority of motor skills.  The PT said that we definitely need to sign him up for soccer and gymnastics.  Apparently our boy has skillz!  We did discover that Robinson has flat feet- I mean, completely flat, no arch whatsoever.  The therapist said that if they aren't delayed or hindered in any way, that it usually means it is just hereditary.  I have the highest arches known to man, so it's not from me....Family members- anybody have flat feet?? ;-)

Speech Therapy (ST) - The one went better than expected.  His receptive speech fell right in the average category.  That means that Robinson is doing as well as the average 22 month old as far as listening, following directions and understanding words.  His expressive speech was below average, but surprisingly only by a few points- he barely qualified.  I learned that certain consistent sounds and gestures that he makes are considered communication tools.  His therapists feel that he should respond very well to therapy and we will start going weekly.  His vocalization has improved so much in just 2 sessions that I'm very excited to see where we can go from here.

The OT (occupational therapy) will be next week and I'm looking forward to the eval.  Both the PT and ST feel that Robinson may have some sensory delays.  I'm still learning about these and am therefore not as knowledgeable as I would like to be before discussing on the blog.  It's very common in preemies, because neurologically the sensory system forms at 38 weeks gestation.  Robinson was born 12 weeks before that, so it's no surprise that he may have some delays.  The types of things that are red flags are the fact that certain buzzing noises bother him; he screams when he gets his hair cut or if I try to brush his hair; he's okay with a bathtub but clung to me and wouldn't let go in a pool; he freaks out when brushing his teeth.  Finally, they think his inability to self soothe and sleep in his own bed could be sensory related.  Time and time again, friends and family members have told us to just let him cry it out.  We've tried several different methods and our problem with CIO is that it's not a whiny/angry cry.  Robinson lets out a panic/frightened cry and he is visibly afraid.  Even when sleeping in our bed, he HAS to be right next to me, touching me in order to sleep peacefully.  They said this is most definitely spatial and/or tactile sensory related.  And I was so relieved to hear that they told me to never let him CIO, because we could do further damage to his delay and cause more issues.  Phew- listening to your instincts is always a good thing!  I am very excited, though, that therapy might help us with this issue.  Any of you know that sleeping with a toddler does not provide the most restful sleep- I wake up every time he moves, which is a LOT.  I miss feeling rested and look forward to hopefully making positive progress in this area.

So...to be continued.  Overall, I love the people that we have met, thus far and am really excited to be starting this journey with Robinson.  I think since Robinson has always been so advanced in motor skills and so caught up physically, that most people (our pediatrician even said she did this) brushed off the speech delay and other quirks as just something he needed to grow into developing.  I'm glad that I kept pushing the issue.  Even though we are SO very fortunate in most areas, there are still areas that Robinson needs help.  I don't want to be one of those parents that sticks their head in the sand and just ignores the issue.  I not only want to get him the therapy he needs, but I also want to be there with him and learn about how I can help him at home.  It's a team effort and I look forward to see how far he can go!

Doctor Appt and Video

I took Robinson to our pediatrician to discuss the developmental appt.  She said that she had received their report and quite frankly thought it was crap.  She said she didn't feel like they got a good evaluation at all and she said she also feels that it is impossible to evaluate a child in all 3 areas (OT, PT and Speech) in the span of 30 minutes in an unfamiliar environment for the child.  She referred us to Ki.ds Kou.nt which is a therapy group close to our house.  Dr. L said she would like him evaluated in all 3 areas.  She doesn't believe he's behind in gross or fine motor skills, but she still would like to see what level he is testing.  She does believe that he is delayed in Speech.  She said boys are interesting.  A lot of them are just late talkers, but with Robinson being a preemie, she would feel more comfortable that we go ahead and start therapy and try to encourage his communication skills.  I totally agree with her recommendation. 

We have the OT eval scheduled for June 17th (yes, these things take time and there is a waiting list!).  I'm waiting for the Speech and Physical therapist to call me back and hopefully we will have eval dates scheduled with him soon.  I love our pediatrician and I really trust her opinion.  Hopefully we can get him started with Speech Therapy soon- although, I can't wait to see what he actually comes up with when he starts talking.

Other stats for 22 months: I used on online chart to get percentiles so this is an estimated percentile by me.  We will have a more definitive percentile in July at his 2 yr appt.

Height - 35.5 inches- 85th-90th percentile for his Actual Age 

Weight - 27.5lbs - between 40th-50th percentile for Actual Age

Head - 48 cm - around the 40th percentile for Actual Age


Now for a video- this is typical Robinson, climbing all over the couch.  He is really into Diego right now, so it's pretty cute to hear him try to say "Go Diego Go"...the 'where is your nose' game is still apparently quite boring to Robinson b/c he refuses to play!

Go Diego Go

Pool Fun

Summer time brings lots of sunshine, HEAT, and fun times in the pool!

In the pool with Daddy

Is it cold, Daddy?!

Such a handsome boy

My 2 handsome boys!

Hope everyone is having a great start to their summer vacation!!

My Other Family

As many of you are probably aware, especially if you found me via Blogg.er, the online community is really becoming the popular way to meet, whether it is dating, friends or playgroups.

I'll be the first to admit that I was very hesitant about 'meeting' people online.  I guess you could say that I saw one too many Date.lines on tv that warned of killers and such.  And yes, you still have to be very careful and very aware of what you post on the internet. It's not all rainbows, but from time to time you do find the pot of gold at the end of said rainbow.

My pot of gold was a group of women that all had preemies themselves.  I found them on a message board while Robinson was in the NICU.  For the longest time, I just lurked, as they call it.  Just read other people's stories and soaked in all of their knowledge of the NICU, what we might face and I really held on to all of the success stories.  It gave me hope that we would be okay.

Eventually, I started posting as well, slowly introducing myself.  I got to know a core group of them pretty well, and am now part of a private message board with them.  This is a safer place where we can share our blog address and/or pictures and it's password protected so that you feel more isolated from the big brother internet ;)

These women are not just mothers of preemies.  I consider them my friends.  They understand the struggle of having a premature child and losing out on a full, happy pregnancy.  They understand the fear that wells up in your throat when you hear your child cough, because you know a cold is coming.  To most parents, a cold is nothing out of the ordinary.  To preemie parents, it's like a dark cloud that continuously hovers around ready to strike at any moment.  They understand my fear; they share my anxiety.  It's a bond that I don't think I could ever portray in words to make you fully comprehend.

One of the mothers lost her little boy yesterday.  It was just a chest cold, some would say, but as a preemie mom, nothing is ever just a chest cold.  A chest cold turned into low oxygen saturations and an admit to the hospital and his little lungs just never could recover.  He was around 20 months old. 

It's not suppose to be like this.  When they come home from the NICU, you are supposed to be able to breathe a little easier, laugh a little more.  And you do, until you hear that cough and everything can change in an instant.  And yes, this particular little boy had been very sick before, and I just think his poor little body couldn't take anymore.  It's still unfair.  It still goes against nature and everything you hold in your heart.  The loss of a child is something that I feel no parent should have to endure.  My heart is breaking for this family and it's so hard to wrap my brain around this tragedy.  You can't question or ask why, because you'll just become a 'hamster head'.  This is a term I recently heard to describe when your mind just goes in circles of worry and wonder and never finding an answer.  This kind of heartache is one of life's true mysteries.  I know that the Lord has his reasons.  But as a flawed human, it's hard to understand what good could possibly come of making a family suffer like this.  That is why I can't question and have to hold on to my Faith that there IS a very good reason, because God is not cruel and would not endure seeing His children suffer something so unbearable. 

Heaven is truly gaining a little angel.  And this sweet little boy is finally in a place where he can run and play without worrying about wheezing or oxygen saturations or ever being sick again.  Rest peacefully, sweet, sweet JW...

http://blakeybabies.blogspot.com/

Summer Fun

I will admit, that I have not been the best blogger.  I just can't seem to get excited about it any more.  I guess it is a good thing, because it means that Robinson and I are having so much fun being outside and away from the house.  When we are in the house, Robinson's favorite indoor activity is to color.

Everything else is pretty good.  I had a lot of suggestions on our 'bathroom' situation with Robinson and after trying numerous things, flaxseed seems to be helping the most.  I'm still using Miralax every other day or so until we can get things worked out, but there is much less crying and discomfort so that is what I'm happy about and is my goal.

We had Robinson's developmental appointment last week.  He's about 28 pounds (they kept his clothes on for some strange reason, so I'm guessing he is between 27 and 28 lbs).  It went okay.  I don't like that it is a strange place with strange people and to say that their toys are uninteresting is the understatement of the year.  Robinson has no problem with puzzles, however, their version is just a red circle.  He threw it on the floor-  and so they count that as not being able to do puzzles- whatever.  The stairs were just big wooden blocks in an exam room.  Robinson climbed to the top and jumped off- just like any other child, especially boys, would do.  They said he couldn't climb down stairs. For the record, the next day at lunch, he climbed up and down about 20 times all by himself at the restaurant.  But again, they don't go off what the parents say, they only see what they see in 40 minutes and think that is an adequate eval.  Even with all of this nonsense, he's right at his actual age for almost everything, except expressive speech.  They scored him at 10 months- which was extremely frustrating, because he HAS words, but he didn't say a thing while we were in there, so guess what.  They scored him at 10 months.  Now I know he is further than 10 months.  I'd probably put him at about 15 months or so.  He has some animal sounds and copies singing notes, etc. and clearly communicates with non verbal language.  So, to say I was annoyed with this NICU f/u is a big understatement.  We will not be going again.  I just see them as pointless and I do not think they get an adequate picture if they only look at the 40 minutes that they see Robinson.

I will be taking Robinson in to see our pediatrician to talk about getting Robinson evaluated by Early Intervention.  I trust EI.  They come to your house, watch the child in their natural environment and seem to take into consideration parents' opinions and input.  Now to be honest, I think Robinson is fine.  I think he can talk, but he's lazy and is choosing not to for whatever reason.  I trust our pediatrician, though, and if she thinks EI is a good idea, then we'll go with it.  Ironically, even though the NICU therapists scored him so low on speech, they didn't suggest therapy ????  that was the other reason I don't really trust their opinion.  So, we will go to someone we know and get her advice.  Wish us luck!

Fun Friday

The weather has been absolutely beautiful down here and Robinson and I have enjoyed every minute.  We start out each morning with a 2 mile walk around the neighborhood.  In the afternoon we usually go to the outside mall close by or a park to get out a little more.  Robinson would rather be outside than inside any day- which I love. 

Not much new to report... Robinson is still not saying much.  His 2 year old molars are coming in, though, which is causing him a lot of discomfort and sleeping through the night is a thing of the past.  All week, he has woken up from about 230am - 430 or 5am.  Needless to say we are a little tired here and ready for these silly teeth to come through.  We are also working on Robinson not throwing a tantrum when he hears the word "no".  lol

Like I said, Robinson's expressive language is pretty non existent, but his receptive language is rockin.  He understands everything we say and follows directions very well.  The other day, he was chasing Rian through the house and I heard this loud crash and immediate crying.  Robinson ran over to me and I asked him what happened.  He grabbed my hand and in slow motion showed me how he ran into the china cabinet and where he bumped his head.  Sure enough, there was a large red knot that was forming exactly where he showed me that he hit.  So, I KNOW he understands and comprehends, so I'm really hoping we have a language explosion soon.  We go for our developmental appt May 12th and I will ask for a speech eval, even if they don't think he'll qualify. 

Some pictures in a cute new outfit and Robinson's first pair of big boy sandals!

I call this his movie star look :)

Playing outside

This is a Poppa Jim look!

Running Around

These are some flowers outside our front door...I'm just so excited that I haven't killed them yet!

Spring = MIA

So...apparently Spring time is going to mean that I'm MIA (missing in action) from blogging!

I really apologize to my faithful readers - all 20 of you!  lol  But it has just been so beautiful outside that me and the little man have been going, going, going.

We are back at The Lit.tle Gy.m and Robinson is loving it.  You can tell that he's really missed being there and he actually naps on the day that we go, so yay for Mommy too!

We officially have a little boy with allergies.  With all of the outdoor activities, Robinson constantly has a yucky nose.  We are starting some Zyrt.ec with his Sing.ulair, so hopefully that will alleviate his symptoms.

On a very TMI (too much information) note...Robinson has decided that he doesn't like to poop and will LITERALLY clench his butt cheeks together to stop from pooping.  UGH...this is very annoying, b/c then it's just painful when it finally does pass and thus we start the vicious cycle all over again.  We've been giving him Miralax daily since he was 9 months old b/c the child has chronic constipation.  But the trying to stop from having a bowel movement is a recent development.  He eats fine, drinks plenty...it's not hard or pellet like when it does pass.  I have NO clue what is going on here...any suggestions??

Happy Easter

Check out the Easter cuteness

Robinson Easter Photo

We had Spring pictures done a couple of weeks ago and I was so pleased with them.  The suit looks big on him in this picture, because he's not wearing shoes so we had to roll it up.  He's wearing it again this Sunday for Easter, so I'll get some candid shots with his new Sperry shoes!

It was a "mini" session, so I couldn't get digital copies of all of the prints.  However, I did want to rave about Clarity Photography.  Megan did a fantastic job and we were very pleased with the photos and the pricing.  If you are local, please check her out!

Introducing Mr. GQ

Just a fun afternoon photo shoot with Mommy...gotta love how freaking cute he is!

And...here's a picture of Rian and I at a wedding we went to this past weekend.  Rian was in the wedding and it was absolutely beautiful! 

My Conversation with God

I've debated about posting this because:

1. Spirituality is special and private to me

2. I don't want to feel like I'm 'throwing' religion in my blog readers faces. 

I believe religion and spirituality are very individual and private.  Rian and I are both very spiritual, but you may not see us in church every Sunday.  That's mainly because we still don't want to put Robinson in the church nursery due to germs/illness and he is reaching the terrible two's so big outings are like a minefield to say the least.  However, God is a huge part of my life and has made a big impact on decisions I've made and am going to make so I felt the need to post.  If you aren't comfortable, you simply do not have to read.

It's probably no secret that I've been in a dark place at times lately.  I think you can probably see that in my blog writings.  I believe that a lot of the emotions of the past 2 years have come crashing down on me lately with all of the issues with my health and doctor's decision about another pregnancy.  I didn't like the way I was feeling...it wasn't me, so I decided it was time to have a talk with God.

I pray every night.  I physically can not go to sleep unless I do.  However, my conversations with God are much longer in length, less formal.  It's basically one big vent of the way that I'm feeling and asking for guidance. 

After re-reading my last blog post, I knew it was time for a talk with Him.  I admitted that I'm frustrated, angry and a little bitter with not being able to get pregnant again.  I felt that I had handled everything that we had been dealt in the past couple of years with a good amount of strength and acceptance.  I asked Him what had I done so wrong that He would take another pregnancy for me.  I just didn't understand.  I was meant to be a mother.  I knew that in my heart, so I felt lost.  It was making me resentful and angry and these feelings are not normal for me and I didn't want to continue feeling these thoughts. 

I also apologized to God.  I apologized for being so angry and being so resentful.  I should have more Faith in His plan for us.  And I knew that, but I admitted my human shortcomings and admitted that I was having a hard time accepting this.  I asked for guidance.  I asked for peace and acceptance with this decision.  I asked for Him to help me feel again that everything was going to be okay.  I needed my Faith renewed and asked for forgiveness and help in finding strength and inner peace.

I did not dream that night.  Anyone who knows me KNOWS what a profound statement this is.  I dream very vivid, detailed dreams every.single.night.  Rian has laughed many a morning at me when I'm recounting my dream.  I always dream.  I do not remember a single dream from that night. 

I woke up feeling so renewed and so confident.  I can not explain it.  It was like I had been in a fog and suddenly I could see my path before me. 


Robinson is a precious miracle.  Not many people get to experience a miracle in their lifetime and I saw it right before my eyes.  He is such a special little boy and I am his mother.  It never was more clear to me how special that job was and how much I enjoyed being his mother.  It has been said to me several times now from doctors that 'on paper' I shouldn't have survived my pregnancy.  But I did.  And I get to see this wonderful little boy grow up and change the world.  I truly believe that Robinson will somehow change the world.  I believe pre-eclampsia was part of that plan.  It has made me stronger and will make me make a difference in my life and appreciate every day. 

I can not imagine one day with Robinson.  And that is the most important reason I am now at peace about not getting pregnant.  Yes, there might be a 20% chance or so that I could have a perfect full term pregnancy.  However, there is about an 80% chance that I will develop severe pre-eclampsia again and the effects thereafter.  There is no predicting how severe it will be, but there is a good chance that I might not survive.  How could I possibly risk leaving Rian and Robinson??  I never want Robinson to have to ask the question, "why wasn't I enough?  why did she risk her life for more children?  wasn't she happy with me?"  Because I am so happy with him.  He and Rian are my heart and I can not imagine not being here with them.  So, I will not get a consult with another MFM (high risk doctor).  It doesn't matter what the % are...it's not worth the risk to me anymore.

My husband said one night when I was crying after hearing yet again that I was advised to not get pregnant that it simply meant there was a child out there waiting for us.  God knew we were perfect for this child and knew that we probably wouldn't consider adoption unless we were in a certain situation.  We were now in that situation.  I don't think I heard it well that night.  But when I woke up after my conversation, it was all I could think about that day and the next.  We have so much love to give in our family.  We don't feel like our family is complete, but it's not biolgy that will make it complete.  There is a child that God knows needs us and we need them.  I know that it won't be an easy road, emotionally, but we will wait patiently until we know that our next child has found us.  It will be a glorious day.

It is so hard to explain in words what I am now feeling.  I am not in a dark place anymore.  I am feeling optimistic, at peace, and happy with my situation.  And it's been almost a week so I know it's for keeps!

For the Negative Nancy's out there.  I'm not saying that if you have a talk with God that all of your prayers will be answered and you'll never feel alone again.  There are a million reasons for unanswered prayers, and only God knows what is truly right for you and what is in your heart.  I am saying that when I know that I'm in the 'dark' place that is when I take a deep breath, reflect and have an open conversation with God.  This post illustrates how I felt afterwards and how it makes a positive impact on my life.  It was a good and long overdue talk.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.  Psalm 40:5

Random Ramblings

It's tax season.  This means that Rian gets home around 7pm (yay) so that he can spend time with Robinson before bedtime.  Afterwards, though, he is locked up in his office working until 11pm or later (boo).  This means that the main computer is occupied.  I'm blogging a la laptop which is fine for words, but let's face it, I know the real reason you visit my blog...pictures of the handsome boy!  So...posts will be few and far between until after April 15th -  Tonight, you get random ramblings....and go!

**kids clothes annoy me.  Robinson is tall and SKINNY, so he needs a size 3T for length, but it looks like the clothes are swallowing him, because he doesn't have the chunkiness of a 3T.  Seriously?!  When you're a child, designers expect/want you to be chunky, but by gosh when you become an adult you better be the skinniest size X you can be or you can forget about breathing. 

**I am so tired of cold weather.  Thank goodness it is starting to warm up around here.  If I ever thought I could move further north, this Winter has taught me otherwise.  I am not a cold weather girl.  Bring on the sundresses and mojitos!

**Robinson is entering the terrible 2's and is throwing so many tantrums a day that I've lost count.  To be honest, I find them funny...yes, I get frustrated, but the faces this kid makes and I swear he is cursing me out in 'Robinson language'...it's hilarious.

**Health Care reform is pi$$ing me off....this bill is not going to solve anything and will actually increase premiums for people like you and me and will cut some physicians off at the knees.  I worked with/for doctors.  Anyone who complains about how much they make needs to be on call 24/7 and work the hours they do.  If you calculated their hourly rate by the number of hours they actually work, it would be WAY lower than minimum wage.  So, to me, they deserve that big paycheck and I think trying to cut their reimbursement even more is ridiculous.  Try tort reform  for malpractice suits and insurance/medicare fraud for your big government change-  THIS is where we need a reform!!  I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.

**I feel guilty that I'm still paying on loans from 2 graduate degrees that I don't even use.  I'm loving staying at home and we are lucky that we were able to swing it (BARELY and it SUCKS big time as far as our budget is concerned) but it was the best thing for Robinson, and he is worth every corner cut and cursing of the check book.  However, my old career is not something that I'll probably ever be able to get a job in again after taking this long break, so I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)

**Eventhough I'm working out like a mad woman, it's been 3 weeks and I have yet to lose a pound.  Apparently my body doesn't understand the definition of motivation and the fact that I need a little positive reinforcement from time to time.  So tonight, as I type, I am eating some chocolate ice cream-  no comments, please.

**My blood pressure tanked again and my heart rate is staying at a higher than desired level so I get to try to cut my medicine in 1/2 to see if that helps.  This is good news and possibly means that we've found the reason for my high blood pressure.  This medicine helps relax/open the renal arteries so my issues are in my kidneys- which also correlates with pre-eclampsia.  And I'm on a lower than nothing dosage now, so that is very good news. For once in a long time, my blood pressure is really low without making me feel lethargic and having to take a beta blocker or anxiety medicine.  Bad news is that this particular magic pill that is the cure all for my high blood pressure is highly dangerous for pregnancy and can cause serious birth defects-  just another kick in the gut that my body can't handle/attacks me being pregnant...'thank you sir, may I have another' comes to mind.

**I read about the # of stages of grief and how they apply to situations as well.. I definitely think that I'm grieving the lost chance of another pregancy-  I was in the denial stage, and now I'm in the anger stage- hence the kind of the negative post tonight, which I apologize for.  When I talked to Rian about it, he said "at least your progressing"-  Did I mention how much I love my husband and how he is so perfect for me? :)

**And just so you don't go through withdrawals....

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

Say Cheese!

Mom, this is humiliating!!

Car rides just put me to sleep

But if I'm at home, I have to be sleeping right next to my Mommy

If you catch me awake in the car, I always have my hands folded like a good English gentleman :)

Finding My Happy Place

I would love to be able to show you new pictures of our little man, or spout off some great stories of this past week.  But honestly, this past week has been boring....and I've LOVED it!  In the past 2 years, we have honestly had very few days, weeks or months that could be described as boring.  Rian is still in tax season, working his booty off.  It's tough this tax season because I have to keep a toddler entertained for more than 12 hours every day, which is not easy.  However, the increasing presence of the sun and warmer temperatures have helped immensely.  

Having a boring week made me realize that we are about to jump headfirst into Wedding Season- and no, not in the "Wedding Crashers" way!  Rian and I have been graciously invited to FIVE weddings this Spring and three rehearsal dinners.  Rian and I are in two of the weddings and three of the weddings are in March.  Yep, every weekend from now until the 2nd weekend of May will be consumed by weddings.  Now, I am one of those girls that truly does love weddings.  I loved planning mine; I love helping friends with ideas suggestions.  It's a magical day to me.  One in which the primary purpose is to celebrate a lifelong commitment that two people are making.  In a world full of negativity and cynicism, it is truly a breath of fresh air to me to attend a wedding- especially when they are good friends.  We are truly excited to say that some of our best friends will be taking the walk down the beautiful aisle in a few short weeks. 

Thinking about these weddings made me realize that I actually have to dress up and put away the yoga pants and tshirts for some time.  Wow...To say that being a stay at home mom has made me become 'lax' in my fashion is truly an understandment.  Top it off with the still added baby weight poundage I have going and you can see why I had a mini panic attack when saying out loud "what the hell am I going to wear?"  And then of course, I have to laugh at myself, because if that question is my most pressing issue, then life is good. 

But now back to reality...so, I seriously have zilch to wear.  The few dresses that I bought last summer are way too big now (a good thing) but I'm still not in my pre-pregnancy clothes (a bad thing).  That means dress shopping means, hello 30 Day Shred!  haha...I have found my motivation to work out.  I am so motivated that I work out with Robinson wide awake standing right beside me.  He thinks it's hilarious to see Mommy jumping up and down, sweating like it's 500 degrees and breathing like I've smoke 3 packs a day for 20 some odd years!  He jumps on me as I do push ups and walks on my stomach during abs. 

And you know what?  I feel great!  I have missed working out.  I know that sounds cliche, but to those who have known me, they know what a huge part of my life exercise has always been.  The past 2 years, though, it has taken a FAR back seat on the road called life.  It's hard to get back into a routine when you are a mother, a wife and are you yourself not feeling the best or in great health.  I have a new found respect for every mother who has uttered the phrase "I just don't have time"...because you don't, really.  You have to make time, and when you make the time, something else does not get done.  And that's hard.  As a mother and a wife, you feel like a caretaker and you feel guilty that your child is not getting 100% of your attention for 30 minutes.

But I made the time for 4 days this week, and I am happier and feeling better than I have felt in a long time. 

And that will make me a better mother and a better wife. 

Now, if I could just lose 20 pounds in a week so that shopping will be a little bit easier!  *wink*

p.s. if there are any misspelled words, I apologize...where the heck did 'spellcheck' go in the new formatting on blogspot??!

Here Comes the Sun

It was a beautiful weekend.  For  more than one reason:

1.  The SUN was out...oh, glorious sun!!  How I've missed you!

2.  After battling NASTY BRONCHITIS, the little guy was feeling much better and we were able to play outside

3.We tried out our new slide and had so much fun

4.  I remembered how lucky and blessed I truly am to have this wonderful person as my child

5.  My parents babysat Saturday night and Rian and I got enjoy a wonderful wedding shower/party with good friends.  It was a much needed and fun night out (forgot my camera, so no pictures)

6.  Today I was able to spend 3 glorious hours getting my 'hair did' - I'm going back to my roots, my blonde roots, that is!

7.  My latest blood work/tests came back completely normal!!  FINALLY!  My bp is perfect (on an extremely low dose of medicine) and I have my energy back, my good mood is back...

Here Comes the Sun Indeed!