So, I've decided. This will be my next to last blog post. After this weekend, I'll post pictures from the birthday party; print out each entry to make a book for Robinson; and then Turner Table will no longer exist.
Why??
Well, first and foremost, it takes up way too much of my time. Between blogging and other social network cites, I feel like I spend way too much time on the computer. I used to be an active person, and I've found that the laptop has become a crutch of inactivity. I'm more sedentary that I have ever been and I don't like it. Plus, computer time = time away from Robinson. Yes, there are naps- but I feel I could be more productive with my time. Get caught up on housework, instead of knowing every one's status updates on T.witter and F.acebook. It's astonishing how quickly you can get sucked into an hour of just surfing the net. That is an hour that I can not get back in the day and an hour that I could have been more active. So, the laptop is being packed up and put away. If there is something I really need, I'll use the office computer. This will make me go to a different room and won't be as accessible- less tempting.
Second, I've grown a little bored with blogging. It feels more like a chore, because we have so much going on right now. If something feels like a chore to me, I don't give it 100%. Why do something if I'm not going to really engage and enjoy the process, you know?! Our lives are pretty drama free for the first time in a couple of years (big knock on wood). I'm enjoying that quiet- but it yields little to vent or write about which was the point of this blog. Plus, blogging has become extremely trendy. When anything gets too trendy, I become uninterested in said thing. I guess psychology would call me a "non-conformist". haha
Finally, I'm really starting to focus on myself and my health again. I'm starting back with yoga and meditation and really trying to move forward. For so long, I was stuck in a rut and filled with anxiety over what happened to Robinson and myself. I felt fear at every doctor's appointment, assuming that each visit would end badly. I was scared that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I talked to my primary care physician and he suggested I speak to a psychologist. Which I did. I'm not ashamed to say it or fear who knows about it because I believe those feelings are what keep people for reaching out and getting the help that they need. My big fear was I didn't want to be put on medication. I wanted to get to the root of the problem and work through it so that I could move forward. It has been completely and utterly life changing for me. I found that I do have a mild form of PTSD; I'm working through those issues; changing the path of my thoughts through yoga, meditation, biofeedback breathing...and just a couple of months later, I feel a huge change in my anxiety and my outlook on each day. Robinson's 2nd birthday wasn't nearly as paralyzing for me as his 1st was. Yes, I still had those bad memories creep up, but I have learned to focus on the positive and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've also learned to not bottle up my emotions and/or frustrations and communicate more freely with friends and family. If you internalize your fears and anxiety, it's like an endless stream of negative energy and toxins within your body. It's amazing how much better you feel if you just let it out...the constant weight is no longer on your shoulders and the tension in your body and muscles eases.
Which brings me to another reason for less social media. I would constantly find myself obsessed with other preemie stories or of children that were sick. I could not separate those stories from our lives and would constantly worry that every bad thing I heard about was going to happen to us. Obviously, that is not healthy. I need to remove myself from my masochistic tendencies so that I can see all of the positive and wonderful blessings that are in our lives. If you constantly live in the past and in fear- you will never be able to move forward and put the past behind you. I need to remove and distance myself and live more in the present instead of revisiting the past every day.
Robinson is doing wonderfully and yes, has a way to go still with therapy. I think the start of therapy has also helped my recovery. I was always afraid of the long term effects that Robinson's prematurity might have. Sure, we might have learning disabilities to deal with along the way- but he's amazing how far he has come from that miraculously tiny 1 pound 7 ounce foot long baby. He's a fighter and a survivor and he is thriving. I need to focus on that, instead of "what might be". Because, honestly, given our past and what we have overcome, nothing is out of our reach and we can handle anything that life throws at us. I also have Faith that God will never present us with a situation that we can not handle. We have strength with Him on our side.
For those of you wondering whether I'm going to leave you with a cliffhanger of a 2nd pregnancy. Well, we've gotten 2nd and 3rd opinions from high risk OB's, my new primary care physician and my new OB. All have said that with the right interventions (medicine and lifestyle) that we should have every hope for successful 2nd pregnancy. That is another reason that I've started my health boot camp so to speak. I want to be the healthiest Jackie I can- mind and body so that we are starting a pregnancy right. We also want to wait another year so that we can give Robinson more one on one time. With his therapies and delays, we want to make sure that he is ready, prepared and excited about a little brother or sister. He will hopefully be ready to start pre-school and we will have more time to focus on another high risk pregnancy and precious baby. So- don't go looking for a big ol pregnant belly from for at least a year! haha
I would like to say farewell by saying thank you to all of the fellow preemie moms and to all the friends and family that have followed us through this journey. I don't think I would have made it so unscathed without each and every one of you. Your support has meant everything to us. We will continue to be active participants in the March of Dimes and other charitable events for preemies and pre-eclampsia. We feel so lucky and so blessed to have had the outcome that we have and we take not one day for granted. That is why I feel now is the time to re-focus on our blessings and our family and look forward instead of backwards. Even though the future may not all be roses and rewards, it is through those struggles that we build character and independence and become truly the person that we were meant to be. It is when we reach our full potential that we can make a difference in this world- if only by raising our children- the greatest legacy and reward of life.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
