Working on Milestones...

This has been my first official week as a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM). We've had a great time. I've been working with Robinson on some of his milestones this week and will continue to do so until we catch up. It is perfectly normal and expected for Robinson to be 'delayed' on milestones because of his prematurity. It may seem a little confusing, but I'll try to explain. Robinson was born over 3 months early, so he is expected to be 3 months behind in development until he reaches the age of 2- that's when the month to month changes/advancements become less and less and you start to evaluate children on a year to year basis. So, basically, Robinson's prematurity will definitely affect him until he's 2 years old, but hopefully will not have any more of a lasting effect.

This essentially means that although Robinson is technically 8 1/2 months old, he probably acts and seems more like a 5 1/2 month old. And the confusing part, is that sometimes he can achieve 6, 7 or even 8 month milestones, so it is hard sometimes to know/gauge what he can handle and what will be too overstimulating for him. I will say that learning to work with him on his developmental milestones has been a challenge- I've had to research what he should be achieving at different times and I become his physical therapist, speech therapist and occupational therapist all in one to try to work with him with all of the "tricks". Also, as everyone realizes, EVERY baby is an individual, so they have to be ready to do these things on their own- I can't push him too hard, or it is too much of an overload for him. I have to look for cues to see what he's ready for and then research some techniques to help him along. It's so much fun learning with him and taking such a proactive approach to his development, but I want to be sure that I find a balance and letting him work at his own pace. It is hard sometimes, because you see/hear what other babies his age are doing and it deflates you at times- BUT just for a second, because then he'll do something AMAZING and your mind is blown away at just how special and unbelievably brilliant this little boy is!

Robinson can now sit un assisted for at least a minute, sometimes longer. It depends on whether I've picked a good toy to keep his attention. If he gets bored, he tries to grab another toy and it's hard for him to keep his balance. But he has made wonderful progress.

He loves to read!

He's talking up a storm...just your normal baby babble...every now and then you can pick out a "hey" a "dada" and very rarely a "mama"...but they are definitely there!

And to our surprise- Robinson can now stand unassisted. This is AWESOME for him, because we didn't expect this for another month or so. We are so excited for him for this 'step'.
He can crab crawl really well on his back and sort of scoot on his front, but we aren't quite there with the crawling. He still hates tummy time, so I suspect that has a lot to do with him not wanting to crawl...I really think he'll walk and sort of skip over crawling- this kid just isn't interested in being on the ground! haha...he wants to stand up like the grown ups!

Do you ever have one of those days...

when nothing seems to go right?! ...I'm having one of those days.

Before you panic- Robinson is fine, he's doing great and I promise to end this blog on a positive note, but I've had a rough week.


First- yesterday was my last day of work- indefinitely. Do you know how weird and unnatural that sounds to me? Yes, I know it's the best thing for my family and I'm doing what is right for Robinson. But I've worked since I was 14 years old. I put myself through graduate school for 2 Masters and am STILL paying off student loans. In a time where people are getting laid off left and right...I'm just walking away. It's hard. My job has always been my identity. Yes, I know I have a new job now, and that it's probably going to be a lot harder than any job I've had. But it still feels odd to go from being a 50% contributor, to not contributing any kind of paycheck. I always thought that I could do it all, but, I can't...and it's just hard to admit.


Second- Robinson is a very happy baby- AS LONG AS YOU ARE HOLDING HIM OR PAYING 100% ATTENTION TO HIM....yes, I know that makes some of you laugh. But the kid won't let you lay him down for a nap or sleep in his crib at night. He will be sound asleep, I go to lay him down and the eyes pop wide open. His new trick is to hold onto my shirt so that when I go to lay him down, it's like his own personal alarm "oh no you don't mommy". I've tried letting him cry a little...he won't stop, and I've talked before about how he is just too young and small to let him cry it out completely...and I'm not a big fan of that anyway. It's frustrating, b/c now this is my job, and I'm struggling getting the day to day housework finished because he won't entertain himself for more than 30 minutes...SERIOUSLY?! You can't do much of anything in 30 minutes. He sleeps with me, which means that I don't sleep very well, because I'm constantly worried about him and if he's comfortable and if he can breathe. Oh, and I think he's teething, which is only aggravating the fussiness.


Third- I feel immense guilt about even thinking the above. Robinson has been through so much. He is so strong and such a miracle that I feel horrible when I get frustrated. I feel like a horrible person even thinking anything bad because we have been so blessed and Robinson is thriving for a 26 weeker. It really is amazing what he's accomplished, yet, I'm frustrated because I'm tired and my house hasn't really been clean in almost a year?? I just feel like I deserve to be slapped upside the head for even thinking of being frustrated.


Fourth- Lovely pre-eclampsia. It has taken a toll on my body. You gain a LOT of weight with pre-e and if you refer back to the above, I have NO time to exercise. Which means that I still have a good 30-40 pounds that I need to lose. I have zero self esteem right now, which I know makes me seem vain. But for any of you that know me really well, exercise was a hobby for me- I use to run several 5K's a year. Now, I don't even think I could run a 1/2 of a mile, and it's a little depressing for me. I used to take pride in taking care of myself and now I can not stand to take pictures of me, because I don't even recognize the person that I see. Again, I feel guilty even thinking this. I'm lucky to be alive; I should be thankful for each and every day. And I am...I just wish sometimes that I could start to look and feel like my old self again.


I am so very sorry for the "Debbie Downer" post. I guess I just wanted everyone to realize that 98% of the time, I'm extremely positive and happy, but today is the other 2%. Many people have kept telling me how strong I am and how I've handled everything so well. I thank them, but when they say that, I know the truth and know that other 2% rears its ugly head every now and again.


I promised to end on a positive note, though:

Robinson really is thriving. He was weighed on Thursday and is up to 16 pounds 10 ounces!! He is 8 months old- can you believe how fast time is passing us? And he is in 6-9 month clothes, which brings me to the big news of the post....drum roll please

ROBINSON HAS HIT THE GROWTH CHART FOR HIS ACTUAL AGE IN WEIGHT!

Granted, he's in the 5th percentile, but most preemies don't begin to hit the chart for their actual ages until they reach 1 year or older. I am so pleased for him. We go back to the doctor next month, so I'll have a height and head circumference for you then...he currently gets weighed each month for his monthly RSV shot.

RSV Season...is almost behind us! YAY! We can start to go places! I'm sure that will be a wonderful adventure for all of us. This hibernation has been hard on Rian and I b/c we are used to "go, go, go", but it's been worth it to keep Robinson healthy. I just can't believe that we are 4 months away from being a 1 year old!


And now for some pictures...

We are trying to learn to sit unassisted. Remember, he's 3 months behind in developmental milestones, so even though most 8 month olds can do this without issue- Robinson is working on 5 and 6 month old milestones

His Uncle James bought him his 1st Red Sox outfit...Robinson was not feeling the camera this day...

I took this one today of Rian and Robinson. In honor of Spring...Robinson wore his 1st seersucker outfit. How cute is he? Oh, and you can tell that he is in desperate need of a nap in the picture, but he wasn't having any of that today! haha

Here is a video of Robinson belly laughing. Excuse the angle. I'm taking the video AND trying to make him laugh, so I didn't realize that I was focused on his chest most of the time. You get a great up close look at his apnea monitor, though- yes we are still on the monitor- just for bedtime, though through RSV season. We haven't had any scares (knock on wood), but we are just lucky that we have a conservative pediatrician and she wanted him on it through the RSV season just in case he got sick and had trouble breathing at night.

How a Preemie Mom is Chosen

I saw this and just loved it and wanted to share. Obviously, this is by no means saying that other mothers take things for granted...it's just a little something to make mothers of preemies smile.

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen

(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.

As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles."Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God."Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Big News

I have been back to work for almost 3 months. It was a struggle. I felt like I couldn't give 100% at work and 100% at home-something was always falling short. Then last week, on the first week of the nanny being here without my mother, Robinson had a very bad day. The nanny called me at work late one afternoon and said he had been crying on and off all day (not a huge deal, in fact, I kind of expected that), but she said this last episode had lasted 1.5 hours. I could hear Robinson in the background...he wasn't crying- he was screaming his head off. I told her I was coming home. Robinson sounded like a 80 year old smoker he was so raspy. He had cried so much that he was having difficulty breathing because too much phlegm had made its way to his lungs. I thought I was going to have to take him to the ER, but I went back to my NICU training that our lovely nurses gave us and used his saline drops and suction and within an hour or so he was sounding better. He spit up mucous almost all night...

Rian and I had a looooong talk that weekend. We decided that it would be the best decision for our family for me to turn in my notice and resign from work.

Was it a hard decision? yes

Do we 2nd guess whether it was the right decision? no

Robinson has been doing so well and if you look at him, he doesn't really "look" like a preemie so we think we got too comfortable and started treating him like a "full termer". But the reality is that he is not...and episodes like last week are dangerous and could seriously set him back as far as his lung maturity and his health. No one is going to take care of him as well as we could and we will feel much safer knowing that I am with him every day and we are doing the best that we can. My last day will be March 20th and then I'll have the new title of Stay at Home Mommy.

Other news: Robinson is up to 15 pounds as of a week ago!! He is in 6-9 month clothes, which truly amazes me. These clothes used to look HUGE to me, and now not only is he wearing them, but they FIT!! No big or hanging off here. Robinson is almost sitting up by himself, but definitely sits assisted. Is rolling front to back and back to front at leisure. Can hold up his head the entire time during tummy time...and has also started scooting. He can scoot on his stomach or back- this is the beginning of the crawling phase. I'll put him down turn my head for a second and look back and he's on the other side of the mat. Where has the time gone??

This is a self portrait that just melts my heart. Rian said that Robinson has this look on his face like "this is her, this is the one I've been telling you about- she's my mommy" :)

Can you believe how big he is getting? We need to take out that Infant Insert Padding, huh?

You got to love those baby blues

He gets so tickled sometimes at the camera. It's like he knows what it is and is posing for me.

This is his little chair that will help him build back muscles so that he can sit on his own one day.

Here is a video of Robinson laughing with his Nana. He LOVES his Nana and has so much fun with her. And his laugh is hilarious!