Do you ever have one of those days...

when nothing seems to go right?! ...I'm having one of those days.

Before you panic- Robinson is fine, he's doing great and I promise to end this blog on a positive note, but I've had a rough week.


First- yesterday was my last day of work- indefinitely. Do you know how weird and unnatural that sounds to me? Yes, I know it's the best thing for my family and I'm doing what is right for Robinson. But I've worked since I was 14 years old. I put myself through graduate school for 2 Masters and am STILL paying off student loans. In a time where people are getting laid off left and right...I'm just walking away. It's hard. My job has always been my identity. Yes, I know I have a new job now, and that it's probably going to be a lot harder than any job I've had. But it still feels odd to go from being a 50% contributor, to not contributing any kind of paycheck. I always thought that I could do it all, but, I can't...and it's just hard to admit.


Second- Robinson is a very happy baby- AS LONG AS YOU ARE HOLDING HIM OR PAYING 100% ATTENTION TO HIM....yes, I know that makes some of you laugh. But the kid won't let you lay him down for a nap or sleep in his crib at night. He will be sound asleep, I go to lay him down and the eyes pop wide open. His new trick is to hold onto my shirt so that when I go to lay him down, it's like his own personal alarm "oh no you don't mommy". I've tried letting him cry a little...he won't stop, and I've talked before about how he is just too young and small to let him cry it out completely...and I'm not a big fan of that anyway. It's frustrating, b/c now this is my job, and I'm struggling getting the day to day housework finished because he won't entertain himself for more than 30 minutes...SERIOUSLY?! You can't do much of anything in 30 minutes. He sleeps with me, which means that I don't sleep very well, because I'm constantly worried about him and if he's comfortable and if he can breathe. Oh, and I think he's teething, which is only aggravating the fussiness.


Third- I feel immense guilt about even thinking the above. Robinson has been through so much. He is so strong and such a miracle that I feel horrible when I get frustrated. I feel like a horrible person even thinking anything bad because we have been so blessed and Robinson is thriving for a 26 weeker. It really is amazing what he's accomplished, yet, I'm frustrated because I'm tired and my house hasn't really been clean in almost a year?? I just feel like I deserve to be slapped upside the head for even thinking of being frustrated.


Fourth- Lovely pre-eclampsia. It has taken a toll on my body. You gain a LOT of weight with pre-e and if you refer back to the above, I have NO time to exercise. Which means that I still have a good 30-40 pounds that I need to lose. I have zero self esteem right now, which I know makes me seem vain. But for any of you that know me really well, exercise was a hobby for me- I use to run several 5K's a year. Now, I don't even think I could run a 1/2 of a mile, and it's a little depressing for me. I used to take pride in taking care of myself and now I can not stand to take pictures of me, because I don't even recognize the person that I see. Again, I feel guilty even thinking this. I'm lucky to be alive; I should be thankful for each and every day. And I am...I just wish sometimes that I could start to look and feel like my old self again.


I am so very sorry for the "Debbie Downer" post. I guess I just wanted everyone to realize that 98% of the time, I'm extremely positive and happy, but today is the other 2%. Many people have kept telling me how strong I am and how I've handled everything so well. I thank them, but when they say that, I know the truth and know that other 2% rears its ugly head every now and again.


I promised to end on a positive note, though:

Robinson really is thriving. He was weighed on Thursday and is up to 16 pounds 10 ounces!! He is 8 months old- can you believe how fast time is passing us? And he is in 6-9 month clothes, which brings me to the big news of the post....drum roll please

ROBINSON HAS HIT THE GROWTH CHART FOR HIS ACTUAL AGE IN WEIGHT!

Granted, he's in the 5th percentile, but most preemies don't begin to hit the chart for their actual ages until they reach 1 year or older. I am so pleased for him. We go back to the doctor next month, so I'll have a height and head circumference for you then...he currently gets weighed each month for his monthly RSV shot.

RSV Season...is almost behind us! YAY! We can start to go places! I'm sure that will be a wonderful adventure for all of us. This hibernation has been hard on Rian and I b/c we are used to "go, go, go", but it's been worth it to keep Robinson healthy. I just can't believe that we are 4 months away from being a 1 year old!


And now for some pictures...

We are trying to learn to sit unassisted. Remember, he's 3 months behind in developmental milestones, so even though most 8 month olds can do this without issue- Robinson is working on 5 and 6 month old milestones

His Uncle James bought him his 1st Red Sox outfit...Robinson was not feeling the camera this day...

I took this one today of Rian and Robinson. In honor of Spring...Robinson wore his 1st seersucker outfit. How cute is he? Oh, and you can tell that he is in desperate need of a nap in the picture, but he wasn't having any of that today! haha

Here is a video of Robinson belly laughing. Excuse the angle. I'm taking the video AND trying to make him laugh, so I didn't realize that I was focused on his chest most of the time. You get a great up close look at his apnea monitor, though- yes we are still on the monitor- just for bedtime, though through RSV season. We haven't had any scares (knock on wood), but we are just lucky that we have a conservative pediatrician and she wanted him on it through the RSV season just in case he got sick and had trouble breathing at night.