"Rare and Complicated"

Many of you have made comments that I always update on Robinson's progress, but I never mention how I am doing and how my health is. Well, here ya go...and remember- you asked for it ;-)

The past 18 months, I have spent most of my time focusing on Robinson and Rian and making sure my family was okay. Rian and I decided that 2010 would be the year of Jackie. I would focus on getting myself back to feeling better, more energized, etc. I found a fabulous new primary care doctor and off I went.

My main concerns were that I can not seem to lose the weight. I tracked my calories; I kept a food diary. I literally eat between 1300-1500 calories per day- the right mix of fats/proteins/carbs. It's not rocket science. I was a biology major- I know what I'm doing. The weight wasn't coming off....and at that caloric intake with working out 1-2 times per week- SOMETHING should have been coming off. I mean, I wouldn't be in the best shape of my life, but I also wouldn't still have 25 pounds to lose before reaching pre-pregnancy weight.

My second concern was my energy levels. I have no energy and if any of you have met Robinson- you know that energy is a necessity!! I am wired at night and can't go to sleep, and then it is a struggle to open my eyes in the morning. Obviously having a toddler in the bed with you does not help. Robinson has even gotten to where he likes to share Mommy's pillow- which only means that I sleep half off of the bed every night! lol

My third concern was that I still seem to swell easily- not noticeably, but I can tell. I still can't wear my wedding bands, which is very frustrating..I'm having A LOT of migraines ...and I am just getting very frustrated. If you know me, you know that this is not like me. I'm usually a high energy morning person who is constantly on the go. Like I told my doctor- I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

The Plan:

More blood work. He checked everything and the good news is that everything was normal and great...no diabetes! That was a concern, b/c of the pre-eclampsia and my family history. My blood work couldn't have been more perfect he said.

Wean off of medications. I was still on a low dose blood pressure med...and a low dose anxiety pill. Both of which he said cause weight gain and he really didn't think they were helping all that much. He said my bp was great, so let's get off of the meds- I was thrilled.

Finally- they did a saliva hormone test b/c he wanted to see what my hormone levels were doing post pre-e.

The results- He wanted me to wean off the bp meds first and stay on the lexap.ro. Many doctors, including my brother, have said a lot of bp problems are just all in my head and to get over it. My new doc said if that is true and I'm off the bp meds but still on the lex.apro, then we shouldn't see a dramatic jump in my bp....well, guess what. 3weeks after coming off of the pills I was feeling really badly and just felt 'off'. I went in for a bp check and it as 164/100. SO, I'm back on a bp pill. However, instead of a beta blocker, which can cause weight gain, I'm now on an ACE inhibitor- which should make me feel better. The good news in this is that it's obviously not 'all in my head' and I get to quit taking the lex.apro for good. I hated that pill...it made me feel in a fog! Bad news is that I might have hypertension for the rest of my life due to the pre-e...may not...it may get better in 1 year, 5 years, or never...we'll see.

Hormones...oh hormones...Apparently I have the estrogen/progesterone levels of a woman about to enter menopause ???!!?? Just what a 31 year old woman wants to hear! yeah right...Also, my cortisol levels (stress hormone) were through the roof. The doctor said that they are so high that they are inhibiting my adrenal gland from functioning properly- which is why my other levels are so low...the adrenal gland is just focusing on the cortisol since it's so high. Well, there is no magic pill for that. The only way to decrease cortisol is to rest and relax. They did give me a progesterone cream to help me sleep at night. The smoking gun of all of this is that when your cortisol levels are high, you can't lose weight. They said that I could cut calories all I want, but I wouldn't lose a pound with levels that high. At least I now know the reason that it's not coming off, even though I'm trying...

The solutions- I have to start exercising, every day. Which is VERY hard with a toddler. It's been too cold/rainy to walk/run outside and forget about doing anything inside with a toddler underneath you. I'd love to be able to work out when he naps...but Robinson is teething right now, so he's been taking one 30 minute nap for the entire day...doesn't leave a lot of time for Mommy. The new bp and progesterone cream will hopefully take care of the other hormone issues.

My thoughts and feelings- I'm frustrated and sad. I really just want to start feeling like myself again. My body is majorly screwed up right now thanks to pre-e/hellp. Yes, I am very thankful to be alive (b/c the last 2 doctors I've seen said on paper that I shouldn't have survived) and I am so grateful for Robinson. That doesn't mean that I can't be frustrated, though about my current situation. I would love to be able to exercise every day and I'm trying. But it's tax season- Rian works LOOOONG hours and I'm here with the little guy for 12+ hours a day by myself. When the weather cooperates, we'll be able to get out more, but right now, it's just hard.

The sleeping issue is something we can fix. Robinson has got to start sleeping in his crib. I've been a pushover way too long on this. I hate to hear him cry, but I've gotten some great advice from moms on how to make the transition easier and faster for both of us. We'll be starting the 'big boy' nights this weekend, so please keep us in your thoughts. I can't rest with Robinson right beside me at night, b/c I constantly wake up to check on him. My body needs the rest- it's affecting my health. It's time to help Robinson start learning to self soothe. It will kill me and I'll probably be crying with him, but it needs to be done.

You might see more posts on vents or my thoughts for the day....I need to start using this as an outlet for communication. I have hardly any adult interaction any more- especially when Rian works so much, so I need to find a way to release my thoughts- this is a good place. A 19 month old isn't really the best listener, you know?! haha

And I guess the big elephant in the room is that I've been advised to not get pregnant again. This is where a lot of my hurt is. I won't go into too much detail, but I've been told that I am very lucky to be alive. My pre-e/hellp was rare in that it was sooooo severe and soooo early and I did not bounce back easily. Usually after delivery, blood pressure returns to normal and your body starts to heal. That didn't happen with me. There were a lot of things that happened in the hospital that could have been fatal. Plus, I had a 26 weeker...even with bed rest, following closely...they said the most I could hope for was 30 weeks- that is still very premature. Plus, they said I might not survive another pregnancy.

I am still going to get a 2nd opinion...for my own sanity. However Rian said his mind is made up and we are done- biological. I'm very fortunate that I have a very supportive husband who is very pro adoption. And I've wrote before how I would love to adopt and I think it is a wonderful opportunity. It still doesn't take away the blow that as a woman, my body hates being pregnant. I mean, really, a woman's #1 reason for being is to bring offspring into the world and my body failed. As a biology major, I can't help but think of survival of the fittest and assume that this is the environments way of weeding out my genes ....I know that seems silly, but other science geeks will get it. All I ever wanted was to have a huge family...and yes, I can still have that with the option of adoption...but right now, it does not take the sting away from the fact that my body attacks itself during pregnancy....and that I'm not bouncing back.

I've always prided myself on being very fit, very active, eating right- very healthy. I am now everything that I always worked so hard to prevent...a sluggish, overweight, hypertensive young female.

Yes, I know that it will get better with time; I know that the weight will come off; I know that I will get healthy again; As my doctor said "you've been through some shit"; "you situation is very rare and complicated and it may take a few years for your body to adjust and get back to normal"; "you need to be patient with your body".

Well, I may need to learn patience, but for this week and maybe next week- just let me have my pity party and learn to accept the fact that pregnancy is no longer an option.