Spring Cleaning

Tax season is over....ahhhhh. It's nice to have my husband back. And once again, I take my hat off to single mothers everywhere. It is amazing what they accomplish day in and out. I am thoroughly exhausted and can not comprehend how they manage to get it all done and still keep their sanity- truly super human!

The end of tax season not only means having Rian back at a decent hour (he worked until 3am one night- SERIOUSLY)...but it also means that it's time for Spring Cleaning. Usually this is what I do during tax season, but with the little guy, all of those tasks were put on hold until I had some help around the house. Rian actually had a wedding to attend this weekend in Birmingham for our dear friends, Nick and Julie. I was supposed to go as well, but with Robinson's severe separation anxiety (screams if I'm out of his sight for too long), we did not think that a 4 hour weekend trip was a good idea. We didn't want him being so upset and us be so far away. So, since Rian was a groomsmen, I stayed behind. I know that it was a beautiful event and Rian had a wonderful time. Nick and Julie- we wish you all the best and have a great time on your honeymoon!


Since Rian was away, my mom came to stay with me for the weekend. You are probably wondering why my parents are the go to babysitters. It's pretty simple. They spent almost as much time in the NICU with Robinson as Rian and I did...they asked the nurses questions; learned about his care; and took all of the exit classes that Rian and I were required to take- including CPR. They understand his monitor, which distress signs to look for, what to do when he gets congested, etc. In simple terms- we know that we have nothing to worry about when they are with him because they understand what to do for every situation. As we saw with our attempt at finding a nanny- even people that have a lot of baby experience, don't always know what to do with a preemie so we have to be careful about who's care Robinson is in when we are gone.


With my mom here with me, I took time to really get started on the Spring cleaning. I vacuumed, dusted, general pick up- I even dusted the base boards! One of the big accomplishments of the weekend was I cleaned out my closet. I still had a closet full of maternity clothes in there. Granted, I had still been wearing the tshirts and tank tops....I love that they have a longer length and they were comfortable. But sitting in my closet this weekend, I kept thinking to myself- these clothes bring back bad memories. You see, since having Robinson, I've read and researched A LOT on preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome...trying to find some answers. One of the topics that I always found interesting is the fact that preemie parents, it is said, need to mourn the loss of a normal pregnancy...for example, we never got to experience the 3rd trimester. So essentially, these articles discuss mourning the loss of the 3rd trimester.


I'll be honest, at first, I thought it was completely ridiculous. I felt fine. I was tired, yes, and worried about Robinson, yes. But these were the cards that I was dealt, I was going to play them. I felt fine. But I've since realized, that I was not fine. A certain beep or alarm, and my mind was back in NICU staring at the monitors, wondering what they might mean. I would see a pregnant lady on the street or in a store, and I would wonder why her body was okay with being pregnant and why mine had failed me. I would see the babies with their parents who seemed giant sized, only to realize that they were just full term babies and that's the size Robinson is supposed to be. Someone would ask us if we were going to try for another child, and suddenly my heart would race and my palms would get sweaty- b/c I am afraid of it happening all over again.

I know I don't often share my feelings, and for the most part, that's because I deal with those type of the things on my own. I've never been an overly emotional person. I'm the girl that watched "The Notebook" alone, in my apartment, and didn't shed a tear. In fact, I'd never really cried at movies....I considered myself just a very rational, analytical and logical personality.


I've changed.


And I realized that this weekend, as I sat on the floor of my closet, slowly folding some of these beautiful clothes that I never even got to wear. I am sad that I missed my 3rd trimester. I'm sad that I didn't get to have a shower where we played stupid games about how big my belly was. I'm sad that I didn't even have the chance to decide if I wanted maternity pictures- I'm even sadder that I have only a handful of pictures of when I actually was pregnant. I'm sad that we didn't have the chance to have a 4d ultrasound and try to make guesses of what who we thought Robinson was going to look like. I am sad. I was sad.


It was good to finally admit that to myself this weekend. I packed up all of the clothes and surveyed my freshly smelling, dirt and dust free house, and realized it really was a Spring cleaning. I'm admitting that there was sadness, anger and lack of understanding of why this happened to us. But this weekend was all about Spring Cleaning...cleaning out all of those old memories and fears and packing them away. It was refreshing- bring on Summer!




p.s. I apologize about the not having any pictures of our beautiful boy in this post. With tax season and Rian working such long hours, I've really slacked on the picture taking, but I promise that next week you will have see lots of photos of our handsome little man! :)