Just a fun afternoon photo shoot with Mommy...gotta love how freaking cute he is!
And...here's a picture of Rian and I at a wedding we went to this past weekend. Rian was in the wedding and it was absolutely beautiful!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
My Conversation with God
I've debated about posting this because:
1. Spirituality is special and private to me
2. I don't want to feel like I'm 'throwing' religion in my blog readers faces.
I believe religion and spirituality are very individual and private. Rian and I are both very spiritual, but you may not see us in church every Sunday. That's mainly because we still don't want to put Robinson in the church nursery due to germs/illness and he is reaching the terrible two's so big outings are like a minefield to say the least. However, God is a huge part of my life and has made a big impact on decisions I've made and am going to make so I felt the need to post. If you aren't comfortable, you simply do not have to read.
It's probably no secret that I've been in a dark place at times lately. I think you can probably see that in my blog writings. I believe that a lot of the emotions of the past 2 years have come crashing down on me lately with all of the issues with my health and doctor's decision about another pregnancy. I didn't like the way I was feeling...it wasn't me, so I decided it was time to have a talk with God.
I pray every night. I physically can not go to sleep unless I do. However, my conversations with God are much longer in length, less formal. It's basically one big vent of the way that I'm feeling and asking for guidance.
After re-reading my last blog post, I knew it was time for a talk with Him. I admitted that I'm frustrated, angry and a little bitter with not being able to get pregnant again. I felt that I had handled everything that we had been dealt in the past couple of years with a good amount of strength and acceptance. I asked Him what had I done so wrong that He would take another pregnancy for me. I just didn't understand. I was meant to be a mother. I knew that in my heart, so I felt lost. It was making me resentful and angry and these feelings are not normal for me and I didn't want to continue feeling these thoughts.
I also apologized to God. I apologized for being so angry and being so resentful. I should have more Faith in His plan for us. And I knew that, but I admitted my human shortcomings and admitted that I was having a hard time accepting this. I asked for guidance. I asked for peace and acceptance with this decision. I asked for Him to help me feel again that everything was going to be okay. I needed my Faith renewed and asked for forgiveness and help in finding strength and inner peace.
I did not dream that night. Anyone who knows me KNOWS what a profound statement this is. I dream very vivid, detailed dreams every.single.night. Rian has laughed many a morning at me when I'm recounting my dream. I always dream. I do not remember a single dream from that night.
I woke up feeling so renewed and so confident. I can not explain it. It was like I had been in a fog and suddenly I could see my path before me.
Robinson is a precious miracle. Not many people get to experience a miracle in their lifetime and I saw it right before my eyes. He is such a special little boy and I am his mother. It never was more clear to me how special that job was and how much I enjoyed being his mother. It has been said to me several times now from doctors that 'on paper' I shouldn't have survived my pregnancy. But I did. And I get to see this wonderful little boy grow up and change the world. I truly believe that Robinson will somehow change the world. I believe pre-eclampsia was part of that plan. It has made me stronger and will make me make a difference in my life and appreciate every day.
I can not imagine one day with Robinson. And that is the most important reason I am now at peace about not getting pregnant. Yes, there might be a 20% chance or so that I could have a perfect full term pregnancy. However, there is about an 80% chance that I will develop severe pre-eclampsia again and the effects thereafter. There is no predicting how severe it will be, but there is a good chance that I might not survive. How could I possibly risk leaving Rian and Robinson?? I never want Robinson to have to ask the question, "why wasn't I enough? why did she risk her life for more children? wasn't she happy with me?" Because I am so happy with him. He and Rian are my heart and I can not imagine not being here with them. So, I will not get a consult with another MFM (high risk doctor). It doesn't matter what the % are...it's not worth the risk to me anymore.
My husband said one night when I was crying after hearing yet again that I was advised to not get pregnant that it simply meant there was a child out there waiting for us. God knew we were perfect for this child and knew that we probably wouldn't consider adoption unless we were in a certain situation. We were now in that situation. I don't think I heard it well that night. But when I woke up after my conversation, it was all I could think about that day and the next. We have so much love to give in our family. We don't feel like our family is complete, but it's not biolgy that will make it complete. There is a child that God knows needs us and we need them. I know that it won't be an easy road, emotionally, but we will wait patiently until we know that our next child has found us. It will be a glorious day.
It is so hard to explain in words what I am now feeling. I am not in a dark place anymore. I am feeling optimistic, at peace, and happy with my situation. And it's been almost a week so I know it's for keeps!
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5
1. Spirituality is special and private to me
2. I don't want to feel like I'm 'throwing' religion in my blog readers faces.
I believe religion and spirituality are very individual and private. Rian and I are both very spiritual, but you may not see us in church every Sunday. That's mainly because we still don't want to put Robinson in the church nursery due to germs/illness and he is reaching the terrible two's so big outings are like a minefield to say the least. However, God is a huge part of my life and has made a big impact on decisions I've made and am going to make so I felt the need to post. If you aren't comfortable, you simply do not have to read.
It's probably no secret that I've been in a dark place at times lately. I think you can probably see that in my blog writings. I believe that a lot of the emotions of the past 2 years have come crashing down on me lately with all of the issues with my health and doctor's decision about another pregnancy. I didn't like the way I was feeling...it wasn't me, so I decided it was time to have a talk with God.
I pray every night. I physically can not go to sleep unless I do. However, my conversations with God are much longer in length, less formal. It's basically one big vent of the way that I'm feeling and asking for guidance.
After re-reading my last blog post, I knew it was time for a talk with Him. I admitted that I'm frustrated, angry and a little bitter with not being able to get pregnant again. I felt that I had handled everything that we had been dealt in the past couple of years with a good amount of strength and acceptance. I asked Him what had I done so wrong that He would take another pregnancy for me. I just didn't understand. I was meant to be a mother. I knew that in my heart, so I felt lost. It was making me resentful and angry and these feelings are not normal for me and I didn't want to continue feeling these thoughts.
I also apologized to God. I apologized for being so angry and being so resentful. I should have more Faith in His plan for us. And I knew that, but I admitted my human shortcomings and admitted that I was having a hard time accepting this. I asked for guidance. I asked for peace and acceptance with this decision. I asked for Him to help me feel again that everything was going to be okay. I needed my Faith renewed and asked for forgiveness and help in finding strength and inner peace.
I did not dream that night. Anyone who knows me KNOWS what a profound statement this is. I dream very vivid, detailed dreams every.single.night. Rian has laughed many a morning at me when I'm recounting my dream. I always dream. I do not remember a single dream from that night.
I woke up feeling so renewed and so confident. I can not explain it. It was like I had been in a fog and suddenly I could see my path before me.
Robinson is a precious miracle. Not many people get to experience a miracle in their lifetime and I saw it right before my eyes. He is such a special little boy and I am his mother. It never was more clear to me how special that job was and how much I enjoyed being his mother. It has been said to me several times now from doctors that 'on paper' I shouldn't have survived my pregnancy. But I did. And I get to see this wonderful little boy grow up and change the world. I truly believe that Robinson will somehow change the world. I believe pre-eclampsia was part of that plan. It has made me stronger and will make me make a difference in my life and appreciate every day.
I can not imagine one day with Robinson. And that is the most important reason I am now at peace about not getting pregnant. Yes, there might be a 20% chance or so that I could have a perfect full term pregnancy. However, there is about an 80% chance that I will develop severe pre-eclampsia again and the effects thereafter. There is no predicting how severe it will be, but there is a good chance that I might not survive. How could I possibly risk leaving Rian and Robinson?? I never want Robinson to have to ask the question, "why wasn't I enough? why did she risk her life for more children? wasn't she happy with me?" Because I am so happy with him. He and Rian are my heart and I can not imagine not being here with them. So, I will not get a consult with another MFM (high risk doctor). It doesn't matter what the % are...it's not worth the risk to me anymore.
My husband said one night when I was crying after hearing yet again that I was advised to not get pregnant that it simply meant there was a child out there waiting for us. God knew we were perfect for this child and knew that we probably wouldn't consider adoption unless we were in a certain situation. We were now in that situation. I don't think I heard it well that night. But when I woke up after my conversation, it was all I could think about that day and the next. We have so much love to give in our family. We don't feel like our family is complete, but it's not biolgy that will make it complete. There is a child that God knows needs us and we need them. I know that it won't be an easy road, emotionally, but we will wait patiently until we know that our next child has found us. It will be a glorious day.
It is so hard to explain in words what I am now feeling. I am not in a dark place anymore. I am feeling optimistic, at peace, and happy with my situation. And it's been almost a week so I know it's for keeps!
For the Negative Nancy's out there. I'm not saying that if you have a talk with God that all of your prayers will be answered and you'll never feel alone again. There are a million reasons for unanswered prayers, and only God knows what is truly right for you and what is in your heart. I am saying that when I know that I'm in the 'dark' place that is when I take a deep breath, reflect and have an open conversation with God. This post illustrates how I felt afterwards and how it makes a positive impact on my life. It was a good and long overdue talk.
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Random Ramblings
It's tax season. This means that Rian gets home around 7pm (yay) so that he can spend time with Robinson before bedtime. Afterwards, though, he is locked up in his office working until 11pm or later (boo). This means that the main computer is occupied. I'm blogging a la laptop which is fine for words, but let's face it, I know the real reason you visit my blog...pictures of the handsome boy! So...posts will be few and far between until after April 15th - Tonight, you get random ramblings....and go!
**kids clothes annoy me. Robinson is tall and SKINNY, so he needs a size 3T for length, but it looks like the clothes are swallowing him, because he doesn't have the chunkiness of a 3T. Seriously?! When you're a child, designers expect/want you to be chunky, but by gosh when you become an adult you better be the skinniest size X you can be or you can forget about breathing.
**I am so tired of cold weather. Thank goodness it is starting to warm up around here. If I ever thought I could move further north, this Winter has taught me otherwise. I am not a cold weather girl. Bring on the sundresses and mojitos!
**Robinson is entering the terrible 2's and is throwing so many tantrums a day that I've lost count. To be honest, I find them funny...yes, I get frustrated, but the faces this kid makes and I swear he is cursing me out in 'Robinson language'...it's hilarious.
**Health Care reform is pi$$ing me off....this bill is not going to solve anything and will actually increase premiums for people like you and me and will cut some physicians off at the knees. I worked with/for doctors. Anyone who complains about how much they make needs to be on call 24/7 and work the hours they do. If you calculated their hourly rate by the number of hours they actually work, it would be WAY lower than minimum wage. So, to me, they deserve that big paycheck and I think trying to cut their reimbursement even more is ridiculous. Try tort reform for malpractice suits and insurance/medicare fraud for your big government change- THIS is where we need a reform!! I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.
**I feel guilty that I'm still paying on loans from 2 graduate degrees that I don't even use. I'm loving staying at home and we are lucky that we were able to swing it (BARELY and it SUCKS big time as far as our budget is concerned) but it was the best thing for Robinson, and he is worth every corner cut and cursing of the check book. However, my old career is not something that I'll probably ever be able to get a job in again after taking this long break, so I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)
**Eventhough I'm working out like a mad woman, it's been 3 weeks and I have yet to lose a pound. Apparently my body doesn't understand the definition of motivation and the fact that I need a little positive reinforcement from time to time. So tonight, as I type, I am eating some chocolate ice cream- no comments, please.
**My blood pressure tanked again and my heart rate is staying at a higher than desired level so I get to try to cut my medicine in 1/2 to see if that helps. This is good news and possibly means that we've found the reason for my high blood pressure. This medicine helps relax/open the renal arteries so my issues are in my kidneys- which also correlates with pre-eclampsia. And I'm on a lower than nothing dosage now, so that is very good news. For once in a long time, my blood pressure is really low without making me feel lethargic and having to take a beta blocker or anxiety medicine. Bad news is that this particular magic pill that is the cure all for my high blood pressure is highly dangerous for pregnancy and can cause serious birth defects- just another kick in the gut that my body can't handle/attacks me being pregnant...'thank you sir, may I have another' comes to mind.
**I read about the # of stages of grief and how they apply to situations as well.. I definitely think that I'm grieving the lost chance of another pregancy- I was in the denial stage, and now I'm in the anger stage- hence the kind of the negative post tonight, which I apologize for. When I talked to Rian about it, he said "at least your progressing"- Did I mention how much I love my husband and how he is so perfect for me? :)
**kids clothes annoy me. Robinson is tall and SKINNY, so he needs a size 3T for length, but it looks like the clothes are swallowing him, because he doesn't have the chunkiness of a 3T. Seriously?! When you're a child, designers expect/want you to be chunky, but by gosh when you become an adult you better be the skinniest size X you can be or you can forget about breathing.
**I am so tired of cold weather. Thank goodness it is starting to warm up around here. If I ever thought I could move further north, this Winter has taught me otherwise. I am not a cold weather girl. Bring on the sundresses and mojitos!
**Robinson is entering the terrible 2's and is throwing so many tantrums a day that I've lost count. To be honest, I find them funny...yes, I get frustrated, but the faces this kid makes and I swear he is cursing me out in 'Robinson language'...it's hilarious.
**Health Care reform is pi$$ing me off....this bill is not going to solve anything and will actually increase premiums for people like you and me and will cut some physicians off at the knees. I worked with/for doctors. Anyone who complains about how much they make needs to be on call 24/7 and work the hours they do. If you calculated their hourly rate by the number of hours they actually work, it would be WAY lower than minimum wage. So, to me, they deserve that big paycheck and I think trying to cut their reimbursement even more is ridiculous. Try tort reform for malpractice suits and insurance/medicare fraud for your big government change- THIS is where we need a reform!! I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.
**I feel guilty that I'm still paying on loans from 2 graduate degrees that I don't even use. I'm loving staying at home and we are lucky that we were able to swing it (BARELY and it SUCKS big time as far as our budget is concerned) but it was the best thing for Robinson, and he is worth every corner cut and cursing of the check book. However, my old career is not something that I'll probably ever be able to get a job in again after taking this long break, so I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)
**Eventhough I'm working out like a mad woman, it's been 3 weeks and I have yet to lose a pound. Apparently my body doesn't understand the definition of motivation and the fact that I need a little positive reinforcement from time to time. So tonight, as I type, I am eating some chocolate ice cream- no comments, please.
**My blood pressure tanked again and my heart rate is staying at a higher than desired level so I get to try to cut my medicine in 1/2 to see if that helps. This is good news and possibly means that we've found the reason for my high blood pressure. This medicine helps relax/open the renal arteries so my issues are in my kidneys- which also correlates with pre-eclampsia. And I'm on a lower than nothing dosage now, so that is very good news. For once in a long time, my blood pressure is really low without making me feel lethargic and having to take a beta blocker or anxiety medicine. Bad news is that this particular magic pill that is the cure all for my high blood pressure is highly dangerous for pregnancy and can cause serious birth defects- just another kick in the gut that my body can't handle/attacks me being pregnant...'thank you sir, may I have another' comes to mind.
**I read about the # of stages of grief and how they apply to situations as well.. I definitely think that I'm grieving the lost chance of another pregancy- I was in the denial stage, and now I'm in the anger stage- hence the kind of the negative post tonight, which I apologize for. When I talked to Rian about it, he said "at least your progressing"- Did I mention how much I love my husband and how he is so perfect for me? :)
**And just so you don't go through withdrawals....
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Say Cheese!
Mom, this is humiliating!!
Car rides just put me to sleep
But if I'm at home, I have to be sleeping right next to my Mommy
If you catch me awake in the car, I always have my hands folded like a good English gentleman :)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Finding My Happy Place
I would love to be able to show you new pictures of our little man, or spout off some great stories of this past week. But honestly, this past week has been boring....and I've LOVED it! In the past 2 years, we have honestly had very few days, weeks or months that could be described as boring. Rian is still in tax season, working his booty off. It's tough this tax season because I have to keep a toddler entertained for more than 12 hours every day, which is not easy. However, the increasing presence of the sun and warmer temperatures have helped immensely.
Having a boring week made me realize that we are about to jump headfirst into Wedding Season- and no, not in the "Wedding Crashers" way! Rian and I have been graciously invited to FIVE weddings this Spring and three rehearsal dinners. Rian and I are in two of the weddings and three of the weddings are in March. Yep, every weekend from now until the 2nd weekend of May will be consumed by weddings. Now, I am one of those girls that truly does love weddings. I loved planning mine; I love helping friends with ideas suggestions. It's a magical day to me. One in which the primary purpose is to celebrate a lifelong commitment that two people are making. In a world full of negativity and cynicism, it is truly a breath of fresh air to me to attend a wedding- especially when they are good friends. We are truly excited to say that some of our best friends will be taking the walk down the beautiful aisle in a few short weeks.
Thinking about these weddings made me realize that I actually have to dress up and put away the yoga pants and tshirts for some time. Wow...To say that being a stay at home mom has made me become 'lax' in my fashion is truly an understandment. Top it off with the still added baby weight poundage I have going and you can see why I had a mini panic attack when saying out loud "what the hell am I going to wear?" And then of course, I have to laugh at myself, because if that question is my most pressing issue, then life is good.
But now back to reality...so, I seriously have zilch to wear. The few dresses that I bought last summer are way too big now (a good thing) but I'm still not in my pre-pregnancy clothes (a bad thing). That means dress shopping means, hello 30 Day Shred! haha...I have found my motivation to work out. I am so motivated that I work out with Robinson wide awake standing right beside me. He thinks it's hilarious to see Mommy jumping up and down, sweating like it's 500 degrees and breathing like I've smoke 3 packs a day for 20 some odd years! He jumps on me as I do push ups and walks on my stomach during abs.
And you know what? I feel great! I have missed working out. I know that sounds cliche, but to those who have known me, they know what a huge part of my life exercise has always been. The past 2 years, though, it has taken a FAR back seat on the road called life. It's hard to get back into a routine when you are a mother, a wife and are you yourself not feeling the best or in great health. I have a new found respect for every mother who has uttered the phrase "I just don't have time"...because you don't, really. You have to make time, and when you make the time, something else does not get done. And that's hard. As a mother and a wife, you feel like a caretaker and you feel guilty that your child is not getting 100% of your attention for 30 minutes.
But I made the time for 4 days this week, and I am happier and feeling better than I have felt in a long time.
And that will make me a better mother and a better wife.
Now, if I could just lose 20 pounds in a week so that shopping will be a little bit easier! *wink*
p.s. if there are any misspelled words, I apologize...where the heck did 'spellcheck' go in the new formatting on blogspot??!
Having a boring week made me realize that we are about to jump headfirst into Wedding Season- and no, not in the "Wedding Crashers" way! Rian and I have been graciously invited to FIVE weddings this Spring and three rehearsal dinners. Rian and I are in two of the weddings and three of the weddings are in March. Yep, every weekend from now until the 2nd weekend of May will be consumed by weddings. Now, I am one of those girls that truly does love weddings. I loved planning mine; I love helping friends with ideas suggestions. It's a magical day to me. One in which the primary purpose is to celebrate a lifelong commitment that two people are making. In a world full of negativity and cynicism, it is truly a breath of fresh air to me to attend a wedding- especially when they are good friends. We are truly excited to say that some of our best friends will be taking the walk down the beautiful aisle in a few short weeks.
Thinking about these weddings made me realize that I actually have to dress up and put away the yoga pants and tshirts for some time. Wow...To say that being a stay at home mom has made me become 'lax' in my fashion is truly an understandment. Top it off with the still added baby weight poundage I have going and you can see why I had a mini panic attack when saying out loud "what the hell am I going to wear?" And then of course, I have to laugh at myself, because if that question is my most pressing issue, then life is good.
But now back to reality...so, I seriously have zilch to wear. The few dresses that I bought last summer are way too big now (a good thing) but I'm still not in my pre-pregnancy clothes (a bad thing). That means dress shopping means, hello 30 Day Shred! haha...I have found my motivation to work out. I am so motivated that I work out with Robinson wide awake standing right beside me. He thinks it's hilarious to see Mommy jumping up and down, sweating like it's 500 degrees and breathing like I've smoke 3 packs a day for 20 some odd years! He jumps on me as I do push ups and walks on my stomach during abs.
And you know what? I feel great! I have missed working out. I know that sounds cliche, but to those who have known me, they know what a huge part of my life exercise has always been. The past 2 years, though, it has taken a FAR back seat on the road called life. It's hard to get back into a routine when you are a mother, a wife and are you yourself not feeling the best or in great health. I have a new found respect for every mother who has uttered the phrase "I just don't have time"...because you don't, really. You have to make time, and when you make the time, something else does not get done. And that's hard. As a mother and a wife, you feel like a caretaker and you feel guilty that your child is not getting 100% of your attention for 30 minutes.
But I made the time for 4 days this week, and I am happier and feeling better than I have felt in a long time.
And that will make me a better mother and a better wife.
Now, if I could just lose 20 pounds in a week so that shopping will be a little bit easier! *wink*
p.s. if there are any misspelled words, I apologize...where the heck did 'spellcheck' go in the new formatting on blogspot??!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Here Comes the Sun
It was a beautiful weekend. For more than one reason:
1. The SUN was out...oh, glorious sun!! How I've missed you!
2. After battling NASTY BRONCHITIS, the little guy was feeling much better and we were able to play outside
3.We tried out our new slide and had so much fun
4. I remembered how lucky and blessed I truly am to have this wonderful person as my child
5. My parents babysat Saturday night and Rian and I got enjoy a wonderful wedding shower/party with good friends. It was a much needed and fun night out (forgot my camera, so no pictures)
6. Today I was able to spend 3 glorious hours getting my 'hair did' - I'm going back to my roots, my blonde roots, that is!
7. My latest blood work/tests came back completely normal!! FINALLY! My bp is perfect (on an extremely low dose of medicine) and I have my energy back, my good mood is back...
Here Comes the Sun Indeed!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Spring Oh Spring...Where Art Thou??
This winter has sucked a big one. Yep...I said it.
I'm tired of cold weather.
I'm tired of chances of snow/sleet/ice.
I live in the Deep South for a reason- cold weather and I are not friends. We are also learning that Robinson and cold weather do not mix as well. You probably guessed what is coming next...Robinson is sick again. ARGH
It started Saturday night. He woke up screaming for no apparent reason and cried off and on for 45 minutes, even with me holding him. He couldn't be consoled, so I just brought him to bed with us. He finally fell back asleep but was very restless. Sunday morning, the sneezing and running nose started and by Tuesday, it was thick gross and gushing. Off to the doctor we went.
The good news is that it's just a head cold so far this time. Lungs were clear and no wheezing. We still have to do a nebulizer treatment at night and in the morning. The doctor said, given Robinson's history, this will help keep his airways open. Also, no ear or sinus infection so no antibiotics are needed.
The bad news- he's running a constant fever of about 100; he's crankier than all get out; he's very clingy; and is on an eating/drinking/nap strike, because the boy can't breathe. I can not believe the amount of stuff that is coming out of his nose....I feel so sorry for him. He can't sleep, because when he lies down, all that gunk drains and chokes him. Ugh...it's just so painful to see him like this. We are alternating Tylenol/Motrin every 4-6 hours...not necessarily for the fever, but just to help the pressure/pain so that he can eat/drink at least a little bit.
If you've lost count, this is his 3rd cold since December. Enough already. Where is the warm weather so that my little man can run and play outside?
He's tired. Mommy's tired.
At least his Poppa Jim has been here this week to keep him company. We're sorry that Poppa had to have surgery, but it's been nice having him around. Robinson will not leave his side.
So, that's all I've got today. No witty commentary. No funny stories about the silly things Robinson is doing. I got nothing. I'm running on fumes, typing with one hand and given Winter the finger with the other!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Robinson Is Not Like the Others...
I was blog browsing this weekend and came across a Mommy blog of a little boy that was Robinson's age. He was a full term child, but I still enjoy reading their blogs for activity and toy ideas since it's soooo cold outside and Robinson has a bad case of cabin fever. On this particular post, she had listed his typical daily schedule. No big surprises except when I saw the 12-3pm nap time slot..???!?!???! A 3 hour nap???
I did what any other new mother would do and quickly called my mom to learn about this thing she called a nap. My mother assured me that yes, in fact, most toddlers take 2-3 hour naps...every.day. Again my reaction was ???!?!?!?
To further my amazement, I shared this schedule with my husband. His reaction? "Oh, poor thing. Is he sick, is that why he sleeps so long??" LOL
When I told him, no, apparently that seems to be quite normal, the look of amazement came over his face. That astonished look of ours quickly turned to green. Green with envy!
You see, we have the child that doesn't sleep. Robinson has in fact transitioned to 1 nap a day- which is normal for his age. But you see, Robinson's nap is about 45 minutes-1 hour. That's a GOOD nap. Some days (more common lately) is 1 30 minute nap ALL DAY LONG. The non sleeping doesn't stop there. For his night routine, Robinson usually goes to sleep about 8-830pm and wakes up at 545-6am...no exceptions. Apparently, toddlers usually sleep 12-13 hours per night. Not Robinson.
I truly believe the saying that you don't know what you are missing until you are aware. Granted, I knew other children took better naps, but 3 hours every day?! I am in awe. There is SO much that I could do in 3 hours. I could work out; take a shower without getting up at 5am before my husband leaves for work. It would be like a spa day every day for me!
Before you start giving me the 'be grateful he's here with you' speeches, please know that this is a satire post. We ARE grateful for Robinson. He is truly a miracle and continues to surpass all of our hopes and expectations. I couldn't imagine a minute without him.
But is it all that wrong to be a teeny tiny bit jealous of those 3 hour naps? Don't get me wrong...I get my housework done. I have dinner ready and on the table when Rian walks through the door. Heck, during tax season, I have a plate warmed and ready when he walks through the door and the kitchen/dishes are already done and put away from mine and Robinson's dinner. I take care of my family- I'm just jealous of "me" time. My doctors keep complaining that I'm taking care of everybody else, but I am not taking care of myself.
I keep hearing: "you have to work out 45 minutes/day, you were a very active person before this and your body craves it" "you have to get at least 8 hours of sleep at night" "you have to find time to relax during the day" "your body is still in shock and it won't recover until you start taking care of yourself"
Well, guess what? My family comes first. And there is not much I can do for myself during a 30 minute nap. I'm usually walking around the house eating a sandwich while I do laundry or actually get to use the bathroom by myself. lol
Again, I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm just stating my side of the story when so many people seem to be willing to tell me that I need to take care of myself better. It's on me. I got this. I will take care of myself- once Robinson is able to go to pre-school!
So here's to you, Moms of 3 hour nap takers. I salute you and hope that you cherish every moment. Meanwhile, Robinson and I will be at the park swinging.
Happy Mardi Gras!!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Can't We All Just Get Along?
I saw this article online today and felt compelled to tap the keyboards tonight.
In reading this article, it is sad to say that I knew and was aware of exactly what the author was discussing. In the world of social media, online relationships are the 'now'. To be honest, I didn't really understand it a few years ago. I barely used email, except for work purposes. I felt that calling a person took more effort and felt the need to stay in touch on a more intimate level with friends. However, as the years passed, I became increasingly aware that I either join the world of social media, i.e. facebook, email, instant message, blogging, or I would very easily lose touch with many friends and family. It was by far the easiest way to tell of that new promotion, or the new house that you were thinking of buying. It was so easy to keep bridesmaids and guests up to date on the details of your upcoming wedding. It made everything a little easier.
With ease, always comes consequences, though. Those consequences seem to be the rise of online bullying. There will be bullies throughout life. Whether you find them in a playground, on a ball field- possible even the office next to you at work. Because if insecurities are present, then bullying is not that far behind. So, in a sense, the presence of online bullies is not all that surprising. What is surprising is how violent and hurtful some people can be with a stroke of a keyboard.
Now, before anyone contacts me and asks who they need to go give a piece of their mind, I will be honest and say that I've never been the victim of an online bully...yet. I think the reason being, is that I'm still not all that active online and never post controversial topics on the blog. I'm not popular online. And that is just fine by me. Just like in real life, with popularity, there is always judgement and jealousy. With judgement and jealousy, you will always find bullies not far behind.
I have said it before; people have no qualms about giving you advice or saying what's on their mind when you are pregnant or when you have children. It's like people suddenly lose their filter and feel the need to tell you everything that you are doing wrong. Put them behind the protection of a computer and they will say ANYTHING. I've read blog post comments of people that say the most hurtful words to someone that they've never even met. It's the same on some online message boards that I read for ideas, etc. There are women, grown women that are online all day long for the sole purpose, I think sometimes, to make fun of other women and beat them down for comments that they say.
Women are notorious for being competitive and hateful to other women- how many girl talk conversations have you had in the last few months that did not contain an snide or snarky comment about someone you know?! I know I'm guilty at times. And why do we do this? Does it make us feel any better to put another person down and have giggles at the faults and follies of a fellow mom? Does it help us be a better mother for constantly reminding and ridiculing someone else's parenting style? Do we sleep better at night because of that one line zinger we typed to a person that is 1000 miles away that we've never even met?
No.
In fact, I think these actions make us less of person because we lose the one thing that makes humanity so wonderful- compassion. So what if that woman formula feeds instead of breast feeding. Did we ever consider the fact that maybe her milk supply never arrived? Or maybe her child has a horrible milk allergy and needs a special formula? Or maybe, just maybe, it's a personal choice and she just didn't feel comfortable breast feeding. Likewise, do you really care if a mother continues to breast feed her child after 1 year? Does it impact your daily life in the negative in any way?
No, of course not.
Parenting is one of the hardest journeys we can go on in life. No one really knows the right way or what is the absolute best way of doing things. You listen to your intuition and you do what feels best for your family. Among the obvious wrongs, like abuse, addiction, etc.- these are the types of decisions that we should have a strong reaction to when we see or hear of such. Feeding your baby non organic, store bought food is not. Will it make your child any smarter? Probably not.
The ironic part of this all is that it is usually women attacking women; friends attacking friends; mothers attacking mothers. Women should have the utmost compassion and understanding because we know how hard parenting can be. We understand how frustrating it is when you really do not know what you are doing. We should be laughing with each other and relating funny stories. Not belittling one another's choices.
So my question of the day is- why can't we just open a bottle of wine, laugh and complain about the people who really deserve our snarkiness- supermodels! *wink* *wink*
In reading this article, it is sad to say that I knew and was aware of exactly what the author was discussing. In the world of social media, online relationships are the 'now'. To be honest, I didn't really understand it a few years ago. I barely used email, except for work purposes. I felt that calling a person took more effort and felt the need to stay in touch on a more intimate level with friends. However, as the years passed, I became increasingly aware that I either join the world of social media, i.e. facebook, email, instant message, blogging, or I would very easily lose touch with many friends and family. It was by far the easiest way to tell of that new promotion, or the new house that you were thinking of buying. It was so easy to keep bridesmaids and guests up to date on the details of your upcoming wedding. It made everything a little easier.
With ease, always comes consequences, though. Those consequences seem to be the rise of online bullying. There will be bullies throughout life. Whether you find them in a playground, on a ball field- possible even the office next to you at work. Because if insecurities are present, then bullying is not that far behind. So, in a sense, the presence of online bullies is not all that surprising. What is surprising is how violent and hurtful some people can be with a stroke of a keyboard.
Now, before anyone contacts me and asks who they need to go give a piece of their mind, I will be honest and say that I've never been the victim of an online bully...yet. I think the reason being, is that I'm still not all that active online and never post controversial topics on the blog. I'm not popular online. And that is just fine by me. Just like in real life, with popularity, there is always judgement and jealousy. With judgement and jealousy, you will always find bullies not far behind.
I have said it before; people have no qualms about giving you advice or saying what's on their mind when you are pregnant or when you have children. It's like people suddenly lose their filter and feel the need to tell you everything that you are doing wrong. Put them behind the protection of a computer and they will say ANYTHING. I've read blog post comments of people that say the most hurtful words to someone that they've never even met. It's the same on some online message boards that I read for ideas, etc. There are women, grown women that are online all day long for the sole purpose, I think sometimes, to make fun of other women and beat them down for comments that they say.
Women are notorious for being competitive and hateful to other women- how many girl talk conversations have you had in the last few months that did not contain an snide or snarky comment about someone you know?! I know I'm guilty at times. And why do we do this? Does it make us feel any better to put another person down and have giggles at the faults and follies of a fellow mom? Does it help us be a better mother for constantly reminding and ridiculing someone else's parenting style? Do we sleep better at night because of that one line zinger we typed to a person that is 1000 miles away that we've never even met?
No.
In fact, I think these actions make us less of person because we lose the one thing that makes humanity so wonderful- compassion. So what if that woman formula feeds instead of breast feeding. Did we ever consider the fact that maybe her milk supply never arrived? Or maybe her child has a horrible milk allergy and needs a special formula? Or maybe, just maybe, it's a personal choice and she just didn't feel comfortable breast feeding. Likewise, do you really care if a mother continues to breast feed her child after 1 year? Does it impact your daily life in the negative in any way?
No, of course not.
Parenting is one of the hardest journeys we can go on in life. No one really knows the right way or what is the absolute best way of doing things. You listen to your intuition and you do what feels best for your family. Among the obvious wrongs, like abuse, addiction, etc.- these are the types of decisions that we should have a strong reaction to when we see or hear of such. Feeding your baby non organic, store bought food is not. Will it make your child any smarter? Probably not.
The ironic part of this all is that it is usually women attacking women; friends attacking friends; mothers attacking mothers. Women should have the utmost compassion and understanding because we know how hard parenting can be. We understand how frustrating it is when you really do not know what you are doing. We should be laughing with each other and relating funny stories. Not belittling one another's choices.
So my question of the day is- why can't we just open a bottle of wine, laugh and complain about the people who really deserve our snarkiness- supermodels! *wink* *wink*
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"Rare and Complicated"
Many of you have made comments that I always update on Robinson's progress, but I never mention how I am doing and how my health is. Well, here ya go...and remember- you asked for it ;-)
The past 18 months, I have spent most of my time focusing on Robinson and Rian and making sure my family was okay. Rian and I decided that 2010 would be the year of Jackie. I would focus on getting myself back to feeling better, more energized, etc. I found a fabulous new primary care doctor and off I went.
My main concerns were that I can not seem to lose the weight. I tracked my calories; I kept a food diary. I literally eat between 1300-1500 calories per day- the right mix of fats/proteins/carbs. It's not rocket science. I was a biology major- I know what I'm doing. The weight wasn't coming off....and at that caloric intake with working out 1-2 times per week- SOMETHING should have been coming off. I mean, I wouldn't be in the best shape of my life, but I also wouldn't still have 25 pounds to lose before reaching pre-pregnancy weight.
My second concern was my energy levels. I have no energy and if any of you have met Robinson- you know that energy is a necessity!! I am wired at night and can't go to sleep, and then it is a struggle to open my eyes in the morning. Obviously having a toddler in the bed with you does not help. Robinson has even gotten to where he likes to share Mommy's pillow- which only means that I sleep half off of the bed every night! lol
My third concern was that I still seem to swell easily- not noticeably, but I can tell. I still can't wear my wedding bands, which is very frustrating..I'm having A LOT of migraines ...and I am just getting very frustrated. If you know me, you know that this is not like me. I'm usually a high energy morning person who is constantly on the go. Like I told my doctor- I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
The Plan:
More blood work. He checked everything and the good news is that everything was normal and great...no diabetes! That was a concern, b/c of the pre-eclampsia and my family history. My blood work couldn't have been more perfect he said.
Wean off of medications. I was still on a low dose blood pressure med...and a low dose anxiety pill. Both of which he said cause weight gain and he really didn't think they were helping all that much. He said my bp was great, so let's get off of the meds- I was thrilled.
Finally- they did a saliva hormone test b/c he wanted to see what my hormone levels were doing post pre-e.
The results- He wanted me to wean off the bp meds first and stay on the lexap.ro. Many doctors, including my brother, have said a lot of bp problems are just all in my head and to get over it. My new doc said if that is true and I'm off the bp meds but still on the lex.apro, then we shouldn't see a dramatic jump in my bp....well, guess what. 3weeks after coming off of the pills I was feeling really badly and just felt 'off'. I went in for a bp check and it as 164/100. SO, I'm back on a bp pill. However, instead of a beta blocker, which can cause weight gain, I'm now on an ACE inhibitor- which should make me feel better. The good news in this is that it's obviously not 'all in my head' and I get to quit taking the lex.apro for good. I hated that pill...it made me feel in a fog! Bad news is that I might have hypertension for the rest of my life due to the pre-e...may not...it may get better in 1 year, 5 years, or never...we'll see.
Hormones...oh hormones...Apparently I have the estrogen/progesterone levels of a woman about to enter menopause ???!!?? Just what a 31 year old woman wants to hear! yeah right...Also, my cortisol levels (stress hormone) were through the roof. The doctor said that they are so high that they are inhibiting my adrenal gland from functioning properly- which is why my other levels are so low...the adrenal gland is just focusing on the cortisol since it's so high. Well, there is no magic pill for that. The only way to decrease cortisol is to rest and relax. They did give me a progesterone cream to help me sleep at night. The smoking gun of all of this is that when your cortisol levels are high, you can't lose weight. They said that I could cut calories all I want, but I wouldn't lose a pound with levels that high. At least I now know the reason that it's not coming off, even though I'm trying...
The solutions- I have to start exercising, every day. Which is VERY hard with a toddler. It's been too cold/rainy to walk/run outside and forget about doing anything inside with a toddler underneath you. I'd love to be able to work out when he naps...but Robinson is teething right now, so he's been taking one 30 minute nap for the entire day...doesn't leave a lot of time for Mommy. The new bp and progesterone cream will hopefully take care of the other hormone issues.
My thoughts and feelings- I'm frustrated and sad. I really just want to start feeling like myself again. My body is majorly screwed up right now thanks to pre-e/hellp. Yes, I am very thankful to be alive (b/c the last 2 doctors I've seen said on paper that I shouldn't have survived) and I am so grateful for Robinson. That doesn't mean that I can't be frustrated, though about my current situation. I would love to be able to exercise every day and I'm trying. But it's tax season- Rian works LOOOONG hours and I'm here with the little guy for 12+ hours a day by myself. When the weather cooperates, we'll be able to get out more, but right now, it's just hard.
The sleeping issue is something we can fix. Robinson has got to start sleeping in his crib. I've been a pushover way too long on this. I hate to hear him cry, but I've gotten some great advice from moms on how to make the transition easier and faster for both of us. We'll be starting the 'big boy' nights this weekend, so please keep us in your thoughts. I can't rest with Robinson right beside me at night, b/c I constantly wake up to check on him. My body needs the rest- it's affecting my health. It's time to help Robinson start learning to self soothe. It will kill me and I'll probably be crying with him, but it needs to be done.
You might see more posts on vents or my thoughts for the day....I need to start using this as an outlet for communication. I have hardly any adult interaction any more- especially when Rian works so much, so I need to find a way to release my thoughts- this is a good place. A 19 month old isn't really the best listener, you know?! haha
And I guess the big elephant in the room is that I've been advised to not get pregnant again. This is where a lot of my hurt is. I won't go into too much detail, but I've been told that I am very lucky to be alive. My pre-e/hellp was rare in that it was sooooo severe and soooo early and I did not bounce back easily. Usually after delivery, blood pressure returns to normal and your body starts to heal. That didn't happen with me. There were a lot of things that happened in the hospital that could have been fatal. Plus, I had a 26 weeker...even with bed rest, following closely...they said the most I could hope for was 30 weeks- that is still very premature. Plus, they said I might not survive another pregnancy.
I am still going to get a 2nd opinion...for my own sanity. However Rian said his mind is made up and we are done- biological. I'm very fortunate that I have a very supportive husband who is very pro adoption. And I've wrote before how I would love to adopt and I think it is a wonderful opportunity. It still doesn't take away the blow that as a woman, my body hates being pregnant. I mean, really, a woman's #1 reason for being is to bring offspring into the world and my body failed. As a biology major, I can't help but think of survival of the fittest and assume that this is the environments way of weeding out my genes ....I know that seems silly, but other science geeks will get it. All I ever wanted was to have a huge family...and yes, I can still have that with the option of adoption...but right now, it does not take the sting away from the fact that my body attacks itself during pregnancy....and that I'm not bouncing back.
I've always prided myself on being very fit, very active, eating right- very healthy. I am now everything that I always worked so hard to prevent...a sluggish, overweight, hypertensive young female.
Yes, I know that it will get better with time; I know that the weight will come off; I know that I will get healthy again; As my doctor said "you've been through some shit"; "you situation is very rare and complicated and it may take a few years for your body to adjust and get back to normal"; "you need to be patient with your body".
Well, I may need to learn patience, but for this week and maybe next week- just let me have my pity party and learn to accept the fact that pregnancy is no longer an option.
The past 18 months, I have spent most of my time focusing on Robinson and Rian and making sure my family was okay. Rian and I decided that 2010 would be the year of Jackie. I would focus on getting myself back to feeling better, more energized, etc. I found a fabulous new primary care doctor and off I went.
My main concerns were that I can not seem to lose the weight. I tracked my calories; I kept a food diary. I literally eat between 1300-1500 calories per day- the right mix of fats/proteins/carbs. It's not rocket science. I was a biology major- I know what I'm doing. The weight wasn't coming off....and at that caloric intake with working out 1-2 times per week- SOMETHING should have been coming off. I mean, I wouldn't be in the best shape of my life, but I also wouldn't still have 25 pounds to lose before reaching pre-pregnancy weight.
My second concern was my energy levels. I have no energy and if any of you have met Robinson- you know that energy is a necessity!! I am wired at night and can't go to sleep, and then it is a struggle to open my eyes in the morning. Obviously having a toddler in the bed with you does not help. Robinson has even gotten to where he likes to share Mommy's pillow- which only means that I sleep half off of the bed every night! lol
My third concern was that I still seem to swell easily- not noticeably, but I can tell. I still can't wear my wedding bands, which is very frustrating..I'm having A LOT of migraines ...and I am just getting very frustrated. If you know me, you know that this is not like me. I'm usually a high energy morning person who is constantly on the go. Like I told my doctor- I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
The Plan:
More blood work. He checked everything and the good news is that everything was normal and great...no diabetes! That was a concern, b/c of the pre-eclampsia and my family history. My blood work couldn't have been more perfect he said.
Wean off of medications. I was still on a low dose blood pressure med...and a low dose anxiety pill. Both of which he said cause weight gain and he really didn't think they were helping all that much. He said my bp was great, so let's get off of the meds- I was thrilled.
Finally- they did a saliva hormone test b/c he wanted to see what my hormone levels were doing post pre-e.
The results- He wanted me to wean off the bp meds first and stay on the lexap.ro. Many doctors, including my brother, have said a lot of bp problems are just all in my head and to get over it. My new doc said if that is true and I'm off the bp meds but still on the lex.apro, then we shouldn't see a dramatic jump in my bp....well, guess what. 3weeks after coming off of the pills I was feeling really badly and just felt 'off'. I went in for a bp check and it as 164/100. SO, I'm back on a bp pill. However, instead of a beta blocker, which can cause weight gain, I'm now on an ACE inhibitor- which should make me feel better. The good news in this is that it's obviously not 'all in my head' and I get to quit taking the lex.apro for good. I hated that pill...it made me feel in a fog! Bad news is that I might have hypertension for the rest of my life due to the pre-e...may not...it may get better in 1 year, 5 years, or never...we'll see.
Hormones...oh hormones...Apparently I have the estrogen/progesterone levels of a woman about to enter menopause ???!!?? Just what a 31 year old woman wants to hear! yeah right...Also, my cortisol levels (stress hormone) were through the roof. The doctor said that they are so high that they are inhibiting my adrenal gland from functioning properly- which is why my other levels are so low...the adrenal gland is just focusing on the cortisol since it's so high. Well, there is no magic pill for that. The only way to decrease cortisol is to rest and relax. They did give me a progesterone cream to help me sleep at night. The smoking gun of all of this is that when your cortisol levels are high, you can't lose weight. They said that I could cut calories all I want, but I wouldn't lose a pound with levels that high. At least I now know the reason that it's not coming off, even though I'm trying...
The solutions- I have to start exercising, every day. Which is VERY hard with a toddler. It's been too cold/rainy to walk/run outside and forget about doing anything inside with a toddler underneath you. I'd love to be able to work out when he naps...but Robinson is teething right now, so he's been taking one 30 minute nap for the entire day...doesn't leave a lot of time for Mommy. The new bp and progesterone cream will hopefully take care of the other hormone issues.
My thoughts and feelings- I'm frustrated and sad. I really just want to start feeling like myself again. My body is majorly screwed up right now thanks to pre-e/hellp. Yes, I am very thankful to be alive (b/c the last 2 doctors I've seen said on paper that I shouldn't have survived) and I am so grateful for Robinson. That doesn't mean that I can't be frustrated, though about my current situation. I would love to be able to exercise every day and I'm trying. But it's tax season- Rian works LOOOONG hours and I'm here with the little guy for 12+ hours a day by myself. When the weather cooperates, we'll be able to get out more, but right now, it's just hard.
The sleeping issue is something we can fix. Robinson has got to start sleeping in his crib. I've been a pushover way too long on this. I hate to hear him cry, but I've gotten some great advice from moms on how to make the transition easier and faster for both of us. We'll be starting the 'big boy' nights this weekend, so please keep us in your thoughts. I can't rest with Robinson right beside me at night, b/c I constantly wake up to check on him. My body needs the rest- it's affecting my health. It's time to help Robinson start learning to self soothe. It will kill me and I'll probably be crying with him, but it needs to be done.
You might see more posts on vents or my thoughts for the day....I need to start using this as an outlet for communication. I have hardly any adult interaction any more- especially when Rian works so much, so I need to find a way to release my thoughts- this is a good place. A 19 month old isn't really the best listener, you know?! haha
And I guess the big elephant in the room is that I've been advised to not get pregnant again. This is where a lot of my hurt is. I won't go into too much detail, but I've been told that I am very lucky to be alive. My pre-e/hellp was rare in that it was sooooo severe and soooo early and I did not bounce back easily. Usually after delivery, blood pressure returns to normal and your body starts to heal. That didn't happen with me. There were a lot of things that happened in the hospital that could have been fatal. Plus, I had a 26 weeker...even with bed rest, following closely...they said the most I could hope for was 30 weeks- that is still very premature. Plus, they said I might not survive another pregnancy.
I am still going to get a 2nd opinion...for my own sanity. However Rian said his mind is made up and we are done- biological. I'm very fortunate that I have a very supportive husband who is very pro adoption. And I've wrote before how I would love to adopt and I think it is a wonderful opportunity. It still doesn't take away the blow that as a woman, my body hates being pregnant. I mean, really, a woman's #1 reason for being is to bring offspring into the world and my body failed. As a biology major, I can't help but think of survival of the fittest and assume that this is the environments way of weeding out my genes ....I know that seems silly, but other science geeks will get it. All I ever wanted was to have a huge family...and yes, I can still have that with the option of adoption...but right now, it does not take the sting away from the fact that my body attacks itself during pregnancy....and that I'm not bouncing back.
I've always prided myself on being very fit, very active, eating right- very healthy. I am now everything that I always worked so hard to prevent...a sluggish, overweight, hypertensive young female.
Yes, I know that it will get better with time; I know that the weight will come off; I know that I will get healthy again; As my doctor said "you've been through some shit"; "you situation is very rare and complicated and it may take a few years for your body to adjust and get back to normal"; "you need to be patient with your body".
Well, I may need to learn patience, but for this week and maybe next week- just let me have my pity party and learn to accept the fact that pregnancy is no longer an option.
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